Tuesday Thoughts....

So... uh... Hey there! Its been a while I know... I've just been so consumed in my every day life off the computer, that its hard for me to get a minute to myself to indulge in my babblings...

So, I'm still working full time (WHEN will it EVER end?!).... I'm still going to school...Still a Mommy to my 2 little princesses...and still a wife...who has had a husband that has been laid off now for about a month. We're not hurting money wise, and I thank God every day for that- and its been kinda nice having him home, helping out, a bit.
So... working hasn't been anything interesting, really. I had my review about a month or so ago, and it was an excellent review. They love me, and say I am one of the best in my position. But my position is not management and I'm only a high pion (is that spelled correctly?) lol. So I had gotten asked why don't I apply for a management position, or something that is going to give me some more money? I couldn't really answer why I haven't. After thinking about it... I'm comfortable in my position, I get along with the people I have to work with, I've been working with them for about 6 years now... and like my manager said, I am excellent in how I do my job. I don't want to go back down the totum pole and become the littilest pion again.
That brings me to my schooling... I'm still going to school online- I will have my associates in July (yay!) and I have been accepted and will start the bachelor program in August. Right now I am just doing a basic psychology.  I know that I want to help people... but I am stuck right now as to how I want to help them, and what kind of setting would be ideal to me....  Any suggestions? Anyone know of positions that are more detailed, I just want to get some ideas...

So school takes up my evening about half of the week... So its a good thing that Hubby has been home, he's been cooking and dealing with the girls, A LOT.
The holidays flew, and I didn't do and didn't get everything that I planned to, but the kids seemed to have a good holiday, and it went well. Right before Christmas, we adopted a 16 month Chocolate Lab female. She is the best dog ever, I have never seen a lab so chill as she is. She plays with a couple of the dogs in the neighborhood, and is EXCELLENT off her leash. Really, the only thing we had to work on with her was walking on a leash. She's a lot better at it now. She's house broken, crate trained. But... she has a bad case of separation anxiety. We can't leave her alone for more than an hour or two. We're thankful that a neighbor is more than willing to "dog sit" her if we're going to be away more than a couple hours and she isn't able to come with us. She's great with the kids, and the kids LOVE her.

I have been trying to quit smoking... I haven't actually quit yet- but have cut down considerably. I'm trying...
I have also been trying to lose weight. I had gained like 15 lbs since I had quit weight watchers... but now i am back down to only being 5 lbs away from where I was when I quit. I have been enjoying wii fit plus, and our exercise on demand channel on the tv... I also just signed up at a local gym, and plan on going a few times a week with a co-worker/friend. This also has a tanning membership, so I am hoping to feel a lot better about myself. We'll see how this works, I really want it to. I want some different routines... I love the treadmill, but I also wanted to have a little strength training... anyone have any ideas on how I go about it? I know I can talk to soemone at the gym, but I wanted a little idea of what I may need before I go in there looking like an idiot! ;)

I've felt that I have been playing SIMS, but with my own life...  I have wanted to finish my book series that I have been reading, I've wanted to finish up a couple blankets that I was making, and I've wanted to work on my scrapbooking like crazy... But just like my SIMS online, I am always out of energy. LOL...Maybe sometime I will find the time...

Missed everyone! Talk to you soon....

Where Am I??

Ok... So I fell off again.

I don't want to make it sound like I am crazy, or extremely weak, or out of control.

I'm a strong woman. I'm a full time mother, wife and employee.

I've been trying to find "me" again. I lost who I used to be. That may not be a bad thing, but it has left me with no compass, and I'm lost.

I wanted to start out with organizing my home. Right now, it is such a clutter mess. Don't get me wrong- there are worse clutter-bugs out there, but mine is a mess. I need ideas. Toy storage. Arts & Crafts storage. Clothes storage. Computer accessories storage. Holiday storage. I have two SMALL closets and a 1.5 car garage. No attic. No basement. I need a place to keep my kids projects from school. I need a good place for my scrapbooking stuff, knitting stuff, video gaming stuff. I need to organize/update pictures, and need a place to be able to store them, where I will not lose them. Is that on a flash drive? or a CD?

I need an idea for dirty clothes, the hamper didn't work, they just lay on my bathroom floor in front of the washer. Guess I need to actually do the laundry??  LOL.

I have clothes EVERYWHERE. Do I put the clothes that don't fit Big Z in the garage and save them for Little L? I NEED to get them out of my hallway.

Ugh. i am just SO stressed from my mess. I created this. I clean it. I just don't understand how to keep it clean instead of just really cleaning when I get really stressed.

I've been cleaning out my friends list too. This has left me a bit saddened, but it has proven to be for the better.

Once I get the inside organized...I KNOW I will have no problem with the outside....

Any ideas? Should I use a chart? A Calendar?

Help.

One Day At A Time

So... I'm feeling better tonight than I have all week... Not sure why. Maybe its because everyone is asleep and I am having ME time... and I have ran into some new music tonight that i am absolutely loving... Some of the songs I honestly shouldn't listen to because they remind me of the previous post... But it is getting better.

So...I am needing to get to bed because tomorrow we are running some errands, going shopping, going to an Apple Fest in town, and then I have my highschool reunion... I can't beleive it. It feels like I was just 17... Although it really wasn't all that long ago... I have been through so many different trials and tribulations that it makes it seem like an eternity.

I don't have a lot to say... Just wanted to note that I was feeling better today. It was kind of a rough week.
Off to bed while I am still feeling good....
Night Y'all...

Bittersweet Memories and The Past...

Ok... So I need to write about this, I feel its part of the process of letting go. I am obviously not going to name names... but last night I fell in contact with an old, old crush. Back in the day we were young...teenagers. We actually met off the internet, but quickly learned about each other and we had mutual friends. It was more than just an internet connection. I had talked with this guy for hours on end....every night. Years after we had been talking, we decided to meet. He didn't live too far from my cousin's, so when I took a trip to their house, I met this guy, (lets call him Big C) and we instantly clicked. I had the biggest crush on him, and really it more than physical...he had me mentally wrapped around him. He was such the smooth talker... knew the right things to say... But also wasn't afraid to say what he was feeling. We could be around each other and not feel like either of us was going to judge the other. We were able to be ourselves. And at this point in our life... it was important, because everyone was constantly being judged. I can say that we didn't have an instant romance, but a connection was def there...
Time passes... we live in different states... he has a girlfriend, and I had gotten a boyfriend... more time passes... and I get married. I tell him, thinking he is going to be super excited for me, just because of the relationship that we had. But since the moment I told him I was engaged... our relationship changed. For the worse. He was jealous. He thought I was too young, and shouldn't do this...said I should wait.. blah blah. Said I always jumped the gun on the whole "love" word, and I needed to take it more seriously. I talked to him less and less... More time passes and he gets married. We talk every once in a great blue moon... but its just a, "hey, hope things are good for you" type of conversation.
Last night was the first time we have talked in I would have to say a couple years. I often think of him, and really do hope that he is doing well. I miss him, but know that there is nothing that I can do for that relationship any longer. Lastnight I have his undivided attention. This used to be a really hard thing to get, so I decided to take advantage of it, and just let him know, and understand how I really feel about him. But before I could get the conversation going... he tells me that he needs to have this conversation with me, and that its important for us to have this conversation so we could both move on... more or less in peace. I was wondering if it was the same conversation that I wanted to have with him...
He starts off by reminding me of the exact place that we first met. Tells me that he was "diggin" my style...and was pretty satisfied with the company I provided. Tells me that when he saw me, he KNEW it was me, it just "felt right". Previous conversations that we had, had been pretty deep, and he was one of the only ones, that really, really knew me. More than any of my girlfriends at the time. So anyway, This was a really short visit...we go our separate ways, time passes, we still talk on the phone every night... I go to Southern NY, and pick him up on my way down...just so we could spend some time together. BUT... This was going to be a friends trip... because at this point, we were both with someone. He always respected that I was with someone else, and was never, ever pushy on anything. He tells me that during this trip he felt he was in this real big dillema...said he just looked at me and was like, what the f**kkkkkk...he didn't want to leave, and the feeling of wanting more time together was mutual.... but time had restrictions on us, and we were taking him home. Said he really liked being with me...he couldn't understand why he kept thinking of me.... because we never physically did anything more than a kiss on the cheek and a hug... He KNEW nothing was going to happen because I had a man...but said he really felt like he needed to be with me.
Last night I ended up telling him that he had my heart. He had me emotionally and mentally...and not that anything could be done about my feeling now, but that I needed to tell him to have some kind of closure. He tells me, "If it means anything to you, you had me too".
He said my feelings were not a waste, and I wasn't alone, he had the same feelings I did. and they were real, and deep.
I told him that if had just said something to me, told me he wanted to be with me, I would have left the guy I was with for him. My feelings were that serious. But I never said anything to let him know this, because I almost spilled my guts to him early in our friendship, and almost lost him because I moved too fast. And I wasn't sure how he would really think if I told him I had these kind of feelings, and we just have this relationship over the internet. It sounded dumb, even though I know it was more than the internet at this point.
At the end of the conversation... He tells me, "alright love you... get some shut eye will ya?" (This was 2 hours before I had to get up for work this morning) He NEVER said the word love like that. Ever. He was a firm believer that no one should even mention it unless they were sure.

So... I know I wrote a book... but now I sit here... in tears... I wanted to be with him SO bad back when I first graduated highschool... and I was too apprehensive about pushing him away that i never said anything... Now we both really have separate lives... separate families...and there isn't any turning back. Not not way, not no how.

My heart just sits here and cracks....and it hurts.

Dear World...

This was sent home in Big Z's take home folder, her first day of school. I did EXCELLENT with her getting on the bus, ALL BY HERSELF. It took a lot for me to be strong. It was the very first time that she was going some where...in a vehicle, without family. Oh how crazy my mind was that day, but I must say, I didn't shed a tear, and I was SO proud of her and myself!! She did SO well!!


Our young daughter starts to school today...Its going to be sort of strange and new to her for awhile, and we wish you would treat her gently. You see, up to now she's been queen of the roost. She's been boss of the backyard...We have always been near to soothe her wounds and repair her feelings. But now things are going to be different. This morning she's going to walk down the front steps, wave her hand, and start out on the great adventure...It is an adventure that might take her across continents, across oceans...It's an adventure that will probably include danger and frustration and sorrow...To live her life in the world she will have to live in, will require faith and love and courage. So, World, we wish you would sort of look after her...Take her by the hand and teach her things she will have to know. But do it gently, if you can. She will have to learn, that all 'men' are not truthful. But teach her also that for every scoundrel there is a hero...that for every pretender there is a sincere leader. Teach her that for every enemy, there are a hundred friends. Steer her away from envy, if you can...and teach her the secret of quiet laughter. In school, World, teach her it is far more honroable to fail that to cheat... Teach her to have faith in her own ideas, even if many say they are wrong...Teach her to be gentle with gentle people and patient with tough people. Try to give our daughter the strength not to follow the crowd when everyone is getting on the band-wagon...Teach her to listen to all men...but teach her also to filter all she hears on a screen of truth. Teach her, if you can, how to laugh when she's sad...Teach her there is no shame in tears....Teach her there can be glory in failure and despair in success. Treat her gently, World, if you can, but don't coddle her...Beacause only the test of fire make fine steel...Let her have the courage to fight injustice...Let her be brave in defense of the weak. Teach her always to have sublime faith in herself because then she will always have sublime faith in mankind. This is quite an order, World, but see what you can do...She's such a nice little girl, our daughter.



I know this is a little long, but this is another one that the teacher send to the parents...

The First Day

I gave you a wink and smile
As you entered my room today.
For I know how hard it is to leave
And know your child must stay.
You've been with her for five years now
And have been a loving guide.
but now, alas, the time has come
To leave her at my side.
Just know that as you drive away
And tears down your cheeks may flow
I'll love her as I would my own
And help her learn and grow.
For as a parent, I too know
how quickly the years do pass
And I remember how hard it was
the first day I took my sons to class
So please put your mind at ease
And cry those tears no more
For I will love her and take her in
When you leave her at my door.


I just hope that God can give me the strength to continue to be a loving and supportive parent.

So much.,.. So little time...

Kids...ugh. Work... school... So much has happened... I can't even sit here and tell you everything... Preschool ended...what adorable the show Big Z's class put on! We pulled the kids out of daycare, and Hubby watches them now during the day... My Mom takes them for an hour or two when hubby goes to work and I get home...that seems like an ideal situation. BUT its not if you have a lazy ass husband. I am still going to school...all online. Its been kicking my ass, have been doing this now for almost a year, and I don't regret it yet!! Working full time...still crazy... we've been running like crazy every weekend since memorial day... My relationship was getting tons better...and then it just fizzled...i'm back to being frustrated and lonely most of the time. I feel like i have tried everything and have communicated the most i can communicate to him... he just doesn't care. he's changed into the biggest laziest jerk...
I hate to leave you with that taste in your mouth, but these kids are fighting, and i feel like i am going to lose it... i am trying to get this done as fast as i can...

You Still There?!

So I am here for a quick second... Haven't had a whole lot of ME time lately... Kids have been sick on and off, I have been sick on and off... I have been working on school- Excited that they finally switched me over to the psyc degree program! I am too excited about this.
We have been doing a lot with Big Z's school to get her ready for Kindergarten!
Little L is doing FANTASTIC on the potty!!! FINALLY!!!
Its just hard with work...kids...school... TRYING to be a wife (which I was told I suck at-that's a whole nother entry...).... and trying to keep my head from running away...

Just wanted to say hey to all!! Wish I had the time to catch up on you all.... I miss it. =(
I will soon....
Hope all is well....
Until next time...