Crazy In Love- (with my family)

Tuesday Thoughts....

2010-02-23T21:27:00.000-05:00

So... uh... Hey there! Its been a while I know... I've just been so consumed in my every day life off the computer, that its hard for me to get a minute to myself to indulge in my babblings...

So, I'm still working full time (WHEN will it EVER end?!).... I'm still going to school...Still a Mommy to my 2 little princesses...and still a wife...who has had a husband that has been laid off now for about a month. We're not hurting money wise, and I thank God every day for that- and its been kinda nice having him home, helping out, a bit.
So... working hasn't been anything interesting, really. I had my review about a month or so ago, and it was an excellent review. They love me, and say I am one of the best in my position. But my position is not management and I'm only a high pion (is that spelled correctly?) lol. So I had gotten asked why don't I apply for a management position, or something that is going to give me some more money? I couldn't really answer why I haven't. After thinking about it... I'm comfortable in my position, I get along with the people I have to work with, I've been working with them for about 6 years now... and like my manager said, I am excellent in how I do my job. I don't want to go back down the totum pole and become the littilest pion again.
That brings me to my schooling... I'm still going to school online- I will have my associates in July (yay!) and I have been accepted and will start the bachelor program in August. Right now I am just doing a basic psychology. I know that I want to help people... but I am stuck right now as to how I want to help them, and what kind of setting would be ideal to me.... Any suggestions? Anyone know of positions that are more detailed, I just want to get some ideas...

So school takes up my evening about half of the week... So its a good thing that Hubby has been home, he's been cooking and dealing with the girls, A LOT.
The holidays flew, and I didn't do and didn't get everything that I planned to, but the kids seemed to have a good holiday, and it went well. Right before Christmas, we adopted a 16 month Chocolate Lab female. She is the best dog ever, I have never seen a lab so chill as she is. She plays with a couple of the dogs in the neighborhood, and is EXCELLENT off her leash. Really, the only thing we had to work on with her was walking on a leash. She's a lot better at it now. She's house broken, crate trained. But... she has a bad case of separation anxiety. We can't leave her alone for more than an hour or two. We're thankful that a neighbor is more than willing to "dog sit" her if we're going to be away more than a couple hours and she isn't able to come with us. She's great with the kids, and the kids LOVE her.

I have been trying to quit smoking... I haven't actually quit yet- but have cut down considerably. I'm trying...
I have also been trying to lose weight. I had gained like 15 lbs since I had quit weight watchers... but now i am back down to only being 5 lbs away from where I was when I quit. I have been enjoying wii fit plus, and our exercise on demand channel on the tv... I also just signed up at a local gym, and plan on going a few times a week with a co-worker/friend. This also has a tanning membership, so I am hoping to feel a lot better about myself. We'll see how this works, I really want it to. I want some different routines... I love the treadmill, but I also wanted to have a little strength training... anyone have any ideas on how I go about it? I know I can talk to soemone at the gym, but I wanted a little idea of what I may need before I go in there looking like an idiot! ;)

I've felt that I have been playing SIMS, but with my own life... I have wanted to finish my book series that I have been reading, I've wanted to finish up a couple blankets that I was making, and I've wanted to work on my scrapbooking like crazy... But just like my SIMS online, I am always out of energy. LOL...Maybe sometime I will find the time...

Missed everyone! Talk to you soon....

Where Am I??

2009-11-23T21:49:00.000-05:00

Ok... So I fell off again.

I don't want to make it sound like I am crazy, or extremely weak, or out of control.

I'm a strong woman. I'm a full time mother, wife and employee.

I've been trying to find "me" again. I lost who I used to be. That may not be a bad thing, but it has left me with no compass, and I'm lost.

I wanted to start out with organizing my home. Right now, it is such a clutter mess. Don't get me wrong- there are worse clutter-bugs out there, but mine is a mess. I need ideas. Toy storage. Arts & Crafts storage. Clothes storage. Computer accessories storage. Holiday storage. I have two SMALL closets and a 1.5 car garage. No attic. No basement. I need a place to keep my kids projects from school. I need a good place for my scrapbooking stuff, knitting stuff, video gaming stuff. I need to organize/update pictures, and need a place to be able to store them, where I will not lose them. Is that on a flash drive? or a CD?

I need an idea for dirty clothes, the hamper didn't work, they just lay on my bathroom floor in front of the washer. Guess I need to actually do the laundry?? LOL.

I have clothes EVERYWHERE. Do I put the clothes that don't fit Big Z in the garage and save them for Little L? I NEED to get them out of my hallway.

Ugh. i am just SO stressed from my mess. I created this. I clean it. I just don't understand how to keep it clean instead of just really cleaning when I get really stressed.

I've been cleaning out my friends list too. This has left me a bit saddened, but it has proven to be for the better.

Once I get the inside organized...I KNOW I will have no problem with the outside....

Any ideas? Should I use a chart? A Calendar?

Help.

One Day At A Time

2009-10-03T02:48:00.002-04:00

So... I'm feeling better tonight than I have all week... Not sure why. Maybe its because everyone is asleep and I am having ME time... and I have ran into some new music tonight that i am absolutely loving... Some of the songs I honestly shouldn't listen to because they remind me of the previous post... But it is getting better.

So...I am needing to get to bed because tomorrow we are running some errands, going shopping, going to an Apple Fest in town, and then I have my highschool reunion... I can't beleive it. It feels like I was just 17... Although it really wasn't all that long ago... I have been through so many different trials and tribulations that it makes it seem like an eternity.

I don't have a lot to say... Just wanted to note that I was feeling better today. It was kind of a rough week.
Off to bed while I am still feeling good....
Night Y'all...

Bittersweet Memories and The Past...

2009-09-30T20:08:00.004-04:00

Ok... So I need to write about this, I feel its part of the process of letting go. I am obviously not going to name names... but last night I fell in contact with an old, old crush. Back in the day we were young...teenagers. We actually met off the internet, but quickly learned about each other and we had mutual friends. It was more than just an internet connection. I had talked with this guy for hours on end....every night. Years after we had been talking, we decided to meet. He didn't live too far from my cousin's, so when I took a trip to their house, I met this guy, (lets call him Big C) and we instantly clicked. I had the biggest crush on him, and really it more than physical...he had me mentally wrapped around him. He was such the smooth talker... knew the right things to say... But also wasn't afraid to say what he was feeling. We could be around each other and not feel like either of us was going to judge the other. We were able to be ourselves. And at this point in our life... it was important, because everyone was constantly being judged. I can say that we didn't have an instant romance, but a connection was def there...
Time passes... we live in different states... he has a girlfriend, and I had gotten a boyfriend... more time passes... and I get married. I tell him, thinking he is going to be super excited for me, just because of the relationship that we had. But since the moment I told him I was engaged... our relationship changed. For the worse. He was jealous. He thought I was too young, and shouldn't do this...said I should wait.. blah blah. Said I always jumped the gun on the whole "love" word, and I needed to take it more seriously. I talked to him less and less... More time passes and he gets married. We talk every once in a great blue moon... but its just a, "hey, hope things are good for you" type of conversation.
Last night was the first time we have talked in I would have to say a couple years. I often think of him, and really do hope that he is doing well. I miss him, but know that there is nothing that I can do for that relationship any longer. Lastnight I have his undivided attention. This used to be a really hard thing to get, so I decided to take advantage of it, and just let him know, and understand how I really feel about him. But before I could get the conversation going... he tells me that he needs to have this conversation with me, and that its important for us to have this conversation so we could both move on... more or less in peace. I was wondering if it was the same conversation that I wanted to have with him...
He starts off by reminding me of the exact place that we first met. Tells me that he was "diggin" my style...and was pretty satisfied with the company I provided. Tells me that when he saw me, he KNEW it was me, it just "felt right". Previous conversations that we had, had been pretty deep, and he was one of the only ones, that really, really knew me. More than any of my girlfriends at the time. So anyway, This was a really short visit...we go our separate ways, time passes, we still talk on the phone every night... I go to Southern NY, and pick him up on my way down...just so we could spend some time together. BUT... This was going to be a friends trip... because at this point, we were both with someone. He always respected that I was with someone else, and was never, ever pushy on anything. He tells me that during this trip he felt he was in this real big dillema...said he just looked at me and was like, what the f**kkkkkk...he didn't want to leave, and the feeling of wanting more time together was mutual.... but time had restrictions on us, and we were taking him home. Said he really liked being with me...he couldn't understand why he kept thinking of me.... because we never physically did anything more than a kiss on the cheek and a hug... He KNEW nothing was going to happen because I had a man...but said he really felt like he needed to be with me.
Last night I ended up telling him that he had my heart. He had me emotionally and mentally...and not that anything could be done about my feeling now, but that I needed to tell him to have some kind of closure. He tells me, "If it means anything to you, you had me too".
He said my feelings were not a waste, and I wasn't alone, he had the same feelings I did. and they were real, and deep.
I told him that if had just said something to me, told me he wanted to be with me, I would have left the guy I was with for him. My feelings were that serious. But I never said anything to let him know this, because I almost spilled my guts to him early in our friendship, and almost lost him because I moved too fast. And I wasn't sure how he would really think if I told him I had these kind of feelings, and we just have this relationship over the internet. It sounded dumb, even though I know it was more than the internet at this point.
At the end of the conversation... He tells me, "alright love you... get some shut eye will ya?" (This was 2 hours before I had to get up for work this morning) He NEVER said the word love like that. Ever. He was a firm believer that no one should even mention it unless they were sure.

So... I know I wrote a book... but now I sit here... in tears... I wanted to be with him SO bad back when I first graduated highschool... and I was too apprehensive about pushing him away that i never said anything... Now we both really have separate lives... separate families...and there isn't any turning back. Not not way, not no how.

My heart just sits here and cracks....and it hurts.

Dear World...

2009-09-18T21:24:00.002-04:00

This was sent home in Big Z's take home folder, her first day of school. I did EXCELLENT with her getting on the bus, ALL BY HERSELF. It took a lot for me to be strong. It was the very first time that she was going some where...in a vehicle, without family. Oh how crazy my mind was that day, but I must say, I didn't shed a tear, and I was SO proud of her and myself!! She did SO well!!

Our young daughter starts to school today...Its going to be sort of strange and new to her for awhile, and we wish you would treat her gently. You see, up to now she's been queen of the roost. She's been boss of the backyard...We have always been near to soothe her wounds and repair her feelings. But now things are going to be different. This morning she's going to walk down the front steps, wave her hand, and start out on the great adventure...It is an adventure that might take her across continents, across oceans...It's an adventure that will probably include danger and frustration and sorrow...To live her life in the world she will have to live in, will require faith and love and courage. So, World, we wish you would sort of look after her...Take her by the hand and teach her things she will have to know. But do it gently, if you can. She will have to learn, that all 'men' are not truthful. But teach her also that for every scoundrel there is a hero...that for every pretender there is a sincere leader. Teach her that for every enemy, there are a hundred friends. Steer her away from envy, if you can...and teach her the secret of quiet laughter. In school, World, teach her it is far more honroable to fail that to cheat... Teach her to have faith in her own ideas, even if many say they are wrong...Teach her to be gentle with gentle people and patient with tough people. Try to give our daughter the strength not to follow the crowd when everyone is getting on the band-wagon...Teach her to listen to all men...but teach her also to filter all she hears on a screen of truth. Teach her, if you can, how to laugh when she's sad...Teach her there is no shame in tears....Teach her there can be glory in failure and despair in success. Treat her gently, World, if you can, but don't coddle her...Beacause only the test of fire make fine steel...Let her have the courage to fight injustice...Let her be brave in defense of the weak. Teach her always to have sublime faith in herself because then she will always have sublime faith in mankind. This is quite an order, World, but see what you can do...She's such a nice little girl, our daughter.

I know this is a little long, but this is another one that the teacher send to the parents...

The First Day

I gave you a wink and smile
As you entered my room today.
For I know how hard it is to leave
And know your child must stay.
You've been with her for five years now
And have been a loving guide.
but now, alas, the time has come
To leave her at my side.
Just know that as you drive away
And tears down your cheeks may flow
I'll love her as I would my own
And help her learn and grow.
For as a parent, I too know
how quickly the years do pass
And I remember how hard it was
the first day I took my sons to class
So please put your mind at ease
And cry those tears no more
For I will love her and take her in
When you leave her at my door.

I just hope that God can give me the strength to continue to be a loving and supportive parent.

So much.,.. So little time...

2009-07-29T19:06:00.002-04:00

Kids...ugh. Work... school... So much has happened... I can't even sit here and tell you everything... Preschool ended...what adorable the show Big Z's class put on! We pulled the kids out of daycare, and Hubby watches them now during the day... My Mom takes them for an hour or two when hubby goes to work and I get home...that seems like an ideal situation. BUT its not if you have a lazy ass husband. I am still going to school...all online. Its been kicking my ass, have been doing this now for almost a year, and I don't regret it yet!! Working full time...still crazy... we've been running like crazy every weekend since memorial day... My relationship was getting tons better...and then it just fizzled...i'm back to being frustrated and lonely most of the time. I feel like i have tried everything and have communicated the most i can communicate to him... he just doesn't care. he's changed into the biggest laziest jerk...
I hate to leave you with that taste in your mouth, but these kids are fighting, and i feel like i am going to lose it... i am trying to get this done as fast as i can...

You Still There?!

2009-04-01T19:26:00.002-04:00

So I am here for a quick second... Haven't had a whole lot of ME time lately... Kids have been sick on and off, I have been sick on and off... I have been working on school- Excited that they finally switched me over to the psyc degree program! I am too excited about this.
We have been doing a lot with Big Z's school to get her ready for Kindergarten!
Little L is doing FANTASTIC on the potty!!! FINALLY!!!
Its just hard with work...kids...school... TRYING to be a wife (which I was told I suck at-that's a whole nother entry...).... and trying to keep my head from running away...

Just wanted to say hey to all!! Wish I had the time to catch up on you all.... I miss it. =(
I will soon....
Hope all is well....
Until next time...

Its been a while...

2009-02-15T11:17:00.002-05:00

So many things have been going on. I haven't actually had time to sit down and write. Right now the kids are sitting at the table playing with play-doh... and I just finished cleaning the kitchen.... Hubby is away for the day.... I still have lots of mess to clean, and lots of laundry to fold... but I thought I would sit down and say hey.
We're all getting over being sick. Big Z started it with a fever and cough. Leading to two days out of school. Poor thing. She's good now, little bit of a cough left... I ended up getting it like 3 days later... fever, cough...stuffy nose. Took me out for 3 days... My Mom had it, my Dad has it.... Little L hasn't gotten it yet, *knock on wood* and neither has Hubby.
I ended my current block of school this weekend. I start my next two classes tomorrow. School is still something that I look forward to completing.
My house is a wreck... I do see who does most everything around here now.... I didn't do anything while I was sick, and it shows. Grr.
Hubby ended up going out and buying a Wii. We love it! He also bought be Wii Fit. I joined weight watchers about, actually a month ago today. I am down 14 lbs! Yay Me! I've also been walking on my mother's treadmill and working on on Wii Fit. It's been working for me, and I am excited! My wedding rings are going to have to be re-sized again... They are almost falling off my fingers. What a difference! So... Working full time... working with Big Z on school stuff- She's been wanting to learn how to read! ...Keeping house.... My school... Trying to keep the winter blues away... Exercising... I've been quite busy.
I have been itching to baseball spring training to start! Can't wait!!
Valentines Day wasn't anything exciting... We did nothing special.
Well... I am off to try and catch up on some of you... and back to cleaning.... and then school....

Until Next Time...

Date Night

2009-02-01T01:23:00.002-05:00

I just had to get on and say that I've been pretty stressed out lately...and have been kind of pulling myself away from situations... Its been a long, mental week.
BUT on a good note, my Mom tooks my kids, and Hubby and I went out to a movie. ALONE. Its been a while since its just been him and I. And we don't have kids until we pick them up in the morning... But I will get to sleep past 7am!! Lets hope my internal alarm clock snoozes....

2009 Cleaning House

2009-01-24T09:56:00.003-05:00

Last Week I threw out worrying, it was getting old and in the way.

It kept me from being me; I couldn't do things God's way.

I threw out a book on MY PAST (Didn't have time to read it anyway).

Replaced it with NEW GOALS, started reading it today.

I threw out hate and bad memories, (Remember how I treasured them so)?

Got me a NEW PHILOSOPHY too, threw out the one from long ago.

Brought in some new books too, called I CAN, I WILL, and I MUST.

Threw out I might, I think and I ought. WOW, you should've seen the dust.

I ran across an OLD FRIEND, I hadn't talked to in a while.

His name is GOD the Father, and I really like His style.

He helped me to do some cleaning and added some things Himself.

Like PRAYER, HOPE, FAITH and LOVE, Yes... I placed them right on the shelf.

I picked up this special thing and placed it at the front door.

I FOUND IT- it’s called PEACE. Nothing gets me down anymore.

Yes, I've got my house looking nice.

Looks good around the place.

For things like Worry and Trouble there just isn't any space.

It's good to do a little house cleaning, Get rid of the things on the shelf.

It sure makes things brighter; maybe you should TRY IT YOURSELF.

BE BLESSED AND BE A BLESSING TO SOMEONE ELSE!!!!

Soon

2009-01-15T17:37:00.001-05:00

So I am kinda behind... I just haven't had much time to spend with myself on here... I want to catch up on a few blogs... and my own... Just not now. Maybe if I get my thesis written tonight I can get online for pleasure...
Hope everyone is well!!

War Changes Everyone... Some just don't realize...

2009-01-03T19:00:00.002-05:00

With in the past few years, I have had conversations with people who I grew up with... who my brother used to be best friends with... That just don't understand him. They are angry with him because he never kept close contact while he has been in the Army. He's been in the army for about 7 years and deployed 3 times to Iraq- which was almost half of those 7 years. And sometimes its hard for me to understand... But this email put some of my views in a different perspective. I don't think that anyone that was real close with my brother with ever read this... so it won't do what I really want it to do... But maybe it can help someone else in a similar situation.
This was in an email that was sent to me...

He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.

You talk trash about your 'buddies' that aren't with you. He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.

You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls. He patrols the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.

You complain about how hot it is. He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.

You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong. He doesn't get to eat today.

Your Mom or girlfriend makes your bed and washes your clothes. He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.

You go to the mall and get your hair redone. He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.

You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over. He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.

You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight. He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.

You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday. He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.

You roll your eyes as a baby cries. He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.

You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything. He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.

You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him. He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.

You see only what the media wants you to see. He sees the broken bodies lying around him.

You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't. He does exactly what he is told even if it puts his life in danger.

You stay at home and watch TV. He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.

You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable. He tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long.

REMEMBER our Troops, and do not forget them LATER.

Happy 2009!!

2009-01-01T11:56:00.002-05:00

I wanted to write something that I thought was real meaningful here. But here I am again... sitting here, not able to think of anything to write. Its a new year. My house is still a mess, and yes, for some reason I still stress over it. I am not sure I could ever change being a clutter bug. I am enjoying sometime here at my Mom & Dad's house. I really would rather be home, packing up the Christmas decorations and really cleaning. Just not by myself.
This year, I have a couple goals I am trying to persue. I am not going to name them here, as the less I talk about them, the better I feel when people notice I am trying to complete them.

Happy New Year Everyone!! May this be better than the rest!

Sick Babies

2008-12-29T06:07:00.003-05:00

How does he expect me to chose between my kids and my job? I was told this morning that my job is more important than anything else in this world. To me its not. If both of my babies are sick, throwing up- and he refuses to stay home with them. What am I supposed to do? He expects me to still send them to his sisters house. He says, its my sister, and I said, its a DAYCARE. My Mom was going to take my older one today, but that was kind of iffy because my Dad shouldn't be exposed to any sickness. His immune system is way down, and I don't want to be the fault of him getting REALLY sick. And with both kids with my Mom, that's an even bigger chance. I can't afford to not go to work because I won't get paid. And since my husband can't keep up on the mortgage payment, if I miss today, it fucks us again. It will be my fault we're living on the streets because the mortgage won't get paid, because I need to be a mother and stay home with my sick kids. Becuase Daddy finds every excuse in the book to not stay home with them.
I am just ripping my heart out right now....

OOps...

2008-12-23T05:01:00.002-05:00

Ok, changed my mind, and I do NOT want another one,... Not really sure what I was thinking...

CRAZY Feeling

2008-12-21T23:30:00.001-05:00

So, I am crazy with my 2 kiddies... we only have a 2 bedroom house... and I said I would never want to do the whole baby thing again... But I want another one.

Changes

2008-12-10T06:04:00.002-05:00

So... Here I am. I should be rushing around to get the kids up and out the door. I am waiting on some clothes to dry... both my kids took a bath and have clean clothes on them, so I don't need to find them clothes for daycare.. and I have Zoey's school clothes in the dryer with mine getting the wrinkles out! I hate ironing!!
I have half my Christmas decorations up. We have had our tree up, but I have only been able to muster getting the lights on it. This weekend. It's my goal to have all the Christmas boxes back out in the garage, empty.
I think I have really quit smoking! I started taking Chantix. It doesn't seem to have a huge effect on me. I just need to make sure I eat right before I take it. Not sure if its making me more drowsy than I normally would be. It could be, but I am living with it. It does give me headaches every now and then, but they go away once it seems the drug is disolved in my body. I lit a smoke last night and it tasted like I was eating the ash try, so I got about 3 drags and put it out. And haven't had the desire to have one! I am very exited!
Also, in January I am going on weight watchers. I was doing it before, right before I had gotten married and did very well. We'll see how I do this time... I'm about 30 lbs heavier than back then... and last night My Mom said that once I set my goal, if I meet my goal, or at least lose a significant amount of weight, she will buy me a bunch of new outfits. I'm down! I love new clothes!
So now its time to start rushing around.... I'm going through a lot of emotional changes... and it seems to keep getting better. I just have to wait it out.

:) Have a great Tuesday!

I Am Thankful For...

2008-12-06T21:46:00.001-05:00

The partner who hogs the covers every night, because he is not out with someone else.

The child who is not cleaning his room, but is watching TV, because that means he Is at home and not on the streets.

For the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed.

For the mess to clean after a party, because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.

For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat.

For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am in the sunshine.

For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing, because it means I have a home.

For the parking spot I find at the farend of the parking lot, because It means I am capable of
walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.

For my huge heating/cooling bill, because it means I am warm/refreshed.

For the lady behind me in church thatsings off key, because it means thatI can hear.

For the pile of laundry and Ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear.

For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I have been capable of working hard.

For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means I am alive.

And finally...

For too much e-Mail, because it means I have friends who are thinking of me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-25T22:19:00.002-05:00

So..It didn't quite work making the promise to myself. And before I go into anything negative... I just want to say Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!! I am truly thankful for the family and few, but very close friends that I have. With out them, my life would not be the same.

I have been busy with school. This is my last week of classes, and I have final projects left to complete in both classes. I am probably about half way done with both of them. I have until 2am Monday morning to have them both turned in. I don't see any problems completing them. I just need to stay focused.

Big Z has been doing REALLY well in pre-school. Hubby went to a parent/teacher conference last week and we found out our little girl is one of the smartest and most advanced in her class! It made me SO proud! But it also didn't surprise me much. She has always been a fast learner, and picks up on things very quickly. She is always asking us how to spell things, and will write down word for word what she asked us to spell. It just amazes me. I guess there is this evaluation that the school does twice a year, and Big Z's scores were all at the top of the list, where they want her to be by the spring! I am so proud!

Hubby's 30th went well. We had 4 other couples over, and we made chicken parm. Had a nice dinner, drank a little, ok, a lot. Hung out in the garage shooting the shit for most of the night. Played the new guitar hero for a while... It was a good time.

Family is coming in from out of town tomorrow. Can't wait. It's always nice to be around them, this time of year. I have been really frustrated with my brother. His journey home from Iraq just wan't a big deal this time around. His choice. It hurts just a little, but right now, its nothing that I have any control over. He still hasn't called me after my mother suggested he do so. Ok, I lied. He called me once. At 3am. On a weekday. I never heard my phone. He never left a message. It was a little dissapointing. I haven't called him back because I haven't quite figured out what I need to say to him. I don't want to alienate him, so I need to be choosie on my words. And this situation is probably a good idea for a whole post of its own. Needless to say, I am quite upset with him, and his wife, and I don't know how to express it yet.

Well, I am off to bed... It's been a long day. I have 2 days off, back to work on Friday, then I have 3 days off. Doesn't seem like a bad sched, huh? Friday will be hell....

A Promise To Myself

2008-11-18T18:35:00.001-05:00

Just thought that if I wrote this down, that I could remember later... I have been quite busy and sick. I have been anxious to get on here and blog... Not sure why because I just feel I will have the same boring stories... lol Anyway... I am hoping to be back, after the kids go to bed, to write...

Time Management

2008-11-12T21:24:00.002-05:00

So this is one of the subjects I have been working on in one of my classes for school. Time Management. It is an interesting class, but let me tell you. We did an assignment, where we had to write down what we did each half hour - hour of one typical day. How depressed and anxiety stricken I became. I realized I really don't have much time... and maybe this is why I haven't been on here all that much. It's work. I just want to be a stay at home Mom. I want to take my babies to school- and go to play dates... and have my house spotless....and scrapbook, and play in the garden... play in the snow with my kids....well, most of the time anyway. I want to learn to cook, and have my family enjoy my food. We're just stuck in this financial situation that doesn't allow us to work off of one income. I wonder how much we would really need if we didn't have to pay daycare... gas for my car to and from work... for cigarettes... (I don't really crave them at home- I do all my smoking at work). I just wonder... I don't even have the patience right now to even go through my finances.... I don't need the stress either... But I do wonder... maybe someday...

Should Be Different...

2008-11-04T20:17:00.003-05:00

I should be excited right now. We're trying to elect a new president! It's just not happening. I am in one of those ruts again, and I'm having a hard time getting out of this bum stage... I am stressing again, and its hard to cope. My Father is back in the hospital. Yeah, he's a sick man- but does pretty good for what he has to go through. He passed out the other day, and no one knows why. He has heart problems, and I guess his heart rate was real high, but they aren't diagnosing anything. They are monitoring him for a full 24 hours. He's upset that he has to stay in the hospital another night. He's giving the nurses hell. That is the part that makes me feel a little better... he feels good enough to be stubborn enough to argue.
Then, just work. It was realt stressful today. Then, I am dealing with school- that is actually going not that bad. I don't get enough sleep... My kids don't seem to get enough sleep- they are whiney all the time, which stresses me out... and I hate feeling upset at them. I don't get enough time with my babies, and they are growing so fast. Big Z has been asking me about what its going to be like in the future...What happens to Grandma and Grandpa when she becomes an adult... I don't know how to respond to her. I just tell her, you're only 4. Don't worry about that stuff right now. But then it stresses me out a little.. what is going through her little mind... and how can I ease what ever she is thinking.
Then lets deal with the marriage. It's not good. It's not bad right now. We don't enough enough of "our time" and not really sure how we can get more. We don't see the kids all that often, and really miss them and really want to spend time with them by the time the weekend comes... so we really don't do things by ourself. We're stuggling with money. But isn't everyone...
And since Zoey has been asking about what its going to be like in the future, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Family gets older, People pass away, lives change, and everyone moves on. I am just having such a hard time with it. I can't imagine my life with out my parents. They do so much for us now, I can't let go. As much as I get upset with them, I need them. They are my support. I'm Daddy's little girl...
And then... there's my brother. he's supposed to be coming home from Iraq this month. I don't hear from my sister in law, or my brother for that matter, so I don't know what goes on. My parents wants to go and visit him for his coming home ceremony... but who knows if they will be able to do that with my dad's health. My heart hurts for my parents. My brother just isn't as close as he used to be. He has a family of his own now, and it just seems like the family he started with, including me- aren't all that important anymore...
And time just goes by so quickly... and i am having a hard time with this... I just can't grip it...

Few and Far Between

2008-10-27T19:34:00.002-04:00

So... It's coming down to that time of year again. The holidays. It seems to all start with Halloween. Even though they are all nearly a month apart- time just flies inbetween. And not that I wasn't crazy but the moment the weather had gotten nice, I barely had time to trim back bushes. I'm surprised my gardens aren't all weeds. And to be quite honest, I am not really sure what kept me so busy. *hmm*
Still enjoying school... It's my time. Although I have been a little frustrated at the Hubby. He just does not help like he needs to around here. I can't stand it. He has no patience for the kids anymore, seems like he just yells at them all the time. Don't get me wrong, they deserve to be punished most of the time- but he just needs a little more patience, and has no reason not to. Here we go, I am getting that feeling of resentment- seems like everytime I talk about hubby I start to feel this way. He just doesn't understand me anymore.
The Hubby bought halloween costumes for the kids this year. Found some at a craft store on clearence, and they were cute. Except one thing. Big Z's doesn't fit her. It's too small. I look at the tags, it says 3 years to 4 years. Hubby said to me, she's 4. I said, yeah, but she's 4 years to 5 years... PLUS she's a big 4 year old. Not fat, just really tall. He just thought it was another thing I was trying to put him down about. That's another thing I can't stand. If he was really trying to help me, it wouldn't seem to bad. He just does things to keep me from bitching. Little does he know, that if he just did something, the first, or maybe even second time I asked him, I wouldn't turn into super bitch. And I don't even ask for much anymore.
Hubby turns 30 in a couple weeks... any suggestions on what I can buy him, or do for him for his birthday? I don't have a lot of money, and I was thinking maybe a few people over for dinner or something...

Well.. this was quick, and a little bit of a bitch session- but i am off to do some school work... besides, up the stairs is really quiet now, which means kiddies are asleep.... :)

Time Passes So Quickly.

2008-10-18T00:30:00.002-04:00

So it's been a while. Work, School and My Kids have taken up more than a better half of my time. It still moves so fast! Why doesn't time fly when the kids are kicking and screaming on the floor?
Big Z brought home her school (PreK) pictures yesterday. :) They are cute, but for some reason, they had her looking up a little- like they were holding something in the air. What were they thinking? At least she is smiling. :)
Last weekend we went to an Apple Festival in town, Enjoyed some time at a birthday party, played outside, and speant time with family. I LOVE smelling the "smell" of Autum. There is just nothing like it. We put the trampoline away for the winter. This was the first year doing that... and I am amazed- it actually fits upright in our garage. Trimmed some bushes, cut my roses down. There aren't much leaves around yet- but its been pretty windy the past couple nights. Give them time.
School for myself is going great! Still have an 'A' in both classes. My cousins are in town for the weekend. I am going to visit a friend tomorrow. There will be salmon fishing amongst the boys... In fact- that is why I am online right now. I was left behind. :) It's ok though- I would much rather sit here at my computer, warm and cozy, instead of not being able to see cuz its so dark, on a rocky pier, going into the Lake, freezing cold because there is a wind... Thank you very much.
So here I am, kids asleep... homework done for tonight... and nothing to do!! And I don't feel like I have much to talk about. It's the same crap, different day.

How RUDE!!

2008-10-06T20:15:00.004-04:00

So... I just keep getting annoyed and annoyed and further annoyed with the in-law side of the family. Its hard for me to help any of you reading out here exactly what is going on, because there is a lot of background- But just so you know, sister-in-law, "W" has been sitting since Big Z was 6 weeks old. We trust her. Back when Big Z turned 1- we bought a new car seat for her, a "big girl" car seat, that would take her until she was ready for one of those "booster" seats, that has no back. So anyway, we ended up buying 3 of them, one for my car, one for Hubby's car, and one for my mother's car. Well, we ended up having to consolidate cars a while back- so we let his sister "W" hold on to the extra car seat, in case she needed to go anywhere. She only had like 3 littles ones at the time. It came to good use- a couple times- and then i went to get it for some reason, and it was DIRTY... I was pissed. Fine. It can be cleaned. Kids were sitting in it. BUT, I was pissed because she didn't even try to clean it. So now, "W" was talking about taking the kids to a pumpkin patch in a week or so, and she asked me to give her the car seats. I said wait- all you need from me is the seat from hubby's truck, because you have Little L's car seat in your shead. She has this DUMB look on her face, like, "oh shit".... tells me- Little L is too big for that one now! I said, no she isnt- its the same one we have in my care now. So she says... Oh yeah... you're right. I suspected something, but blew it off. Well, today she tels me, "I threw the car seat out- it was all moldy and I couldn't get it clean"... I said to her, what?! How the hell did it get moldy if it was "safe" in your shed?? She tried to blame her son- who is always doing something bad. But for some reason, I just don't believe her this time, I think she GAVE IT AWAY!!! I am really kind of pissed off.... The hubby told me to tell her Little L can't go to the pumpkin patch unless she has a car seat, and isn't removing the seat from my car. I can't get into that. But I need to stand up for myself, and my belongings. That car seat WAS ours, we did NOT give it to her. I think she knew I was pissed. I hardly spoke the rest of the time I spent at her house. By the time I was leaving, her tone was that she wasn't going to go to the pumpkin patch, that she was just going to get the kids pumpkins and let them paint.
*hmph* I am still pissed.

Fall is here!

2008-10-05T17:25:00.002-04:00

I don't remember the things that I was supposed to be doing this summer. I know they didn't get completed though. One was actually a "clean out" of our garage. There is just so many things in there that needs to get weeded through. It's SO cluttered. It won't happen. Yesterday we went to the Apple Festival. I love this little festival that comes every year. There are so many things you can do with an apple!! And I haven't found one that hasn't been appetizing.
Now comes the putting away of all the lawn furniture and toys. Taking the swings from the swing set down and putting them away. Raking leaves, and mowing the grass for the last time. This we have decided to put off one more week... We'll complete this next weekend. It's a little sad, but it was SO humid this summer, that I am so ready for the fall to be here. More than ready.
I love watching football too. Even if the Buffalo Bills weren't the best team. It hasn't hurt so much this year to be a Bills Fan! It's been kind of exciting, actually. The Hubby hasn't missed a game! And he was the one last year that didn't care if it was Football Sunday or not.
School has gone well! It's probably the easiest week, but I received 3 A's in my first three homework/assignments! :)
Big Z is going on a field trip in a couple weeks. She's going to a pumpkin patch where for $6 they get a hay ride, a snack, and a pumpkin they get to bring home. She's excited for it!
The smell of Apple pie and cinnamon has been filling our house...I love it.

Hope everyone had a good weekend...

Its Been a Few Days...

2008-09-30T22:44:00.002-04:00

.That is because I have started back to school! I decided I needed to do something with my life before I had a breakdown- so here I am taking online courses!! I am actually really excited about it- and besides a few little aches and pains- I am feeling so much better! I think this may have been the step that I needed... that I procrastinated for so long....
Yay! Big Z doing well in school! She has an open house on the 2nd- Can't wait to go! She will be taking me on a "scavanger hunt" of her classroom!! :)
Little L is doing well- We did decide to take her out of pull ups and put her back in diapers. She is just SO not ready for this potty thing. Please help!!! I feel bad putting her back in diapers- but its really mor for her health. Daycare was not changing her often enough- nor making her sit on the potty often enough. So her butt would always have a rash on it. Diapers can soak up more than pull ups can, and it is easier to put cream on her butt if she is wearing a diaper. She didn't seem distraught at all about it. I just told her to let me or Daddy know when she was ready to go for the potty again. I am still putting her on it in the morning, and trying at night. Just to get those good habits instilled in her little brain.
I'm outta here... tired... acomplished (I have three assignments for school completed that are due by Sunday!)... and needing sleep... G'Night!

X, Y & Z

2008-09-26T23:11:00.003-04:00

is for... Xample, Yearning I didn't know I yearned for and Big Z....

So I recieved my classes today- and my essay for Monday is complete. I didn't get a low down of how we were supposed to write this essay- just what it was supposed to entale...I am no sure if I need to make a cover page- or if I have to put a title to it.... *shrugs* I don't know. So... this is part of the Xample I want my kids to see... even if they are still little and may never remember these days- I want to set that example that school is good- and you really need it to be succesfull in life.
I have alos had this different feeling in me. Yeah- I am a little stressed out over the cleanliness of my house right now- there are just more important things I want to do with my time lately... I can't get through my laundry- and this is the most stressful part- But I feel different. Like school is something I needed for myself, to feel a little more complete. I guess right now, I am just still pretty apprehensive on how I am supposed to put things together- But my enrollment counselor told me that the next two weeks if for him to teach me how to go to school.... *shrugs* I have a meeting with him on Monday- we'll see.
Big Z had her first day off from preschool today. It was a half day consultation day for the district. The AM classes still have to go, but the PM classes do not. I feel a little jipped about this situation because the AM prek get more class time than Zoey ever will, since she is in the afternoon. when there are half days- the PM classes do not have school. I don't know.... and I was just notified of the PreK open house. I am actually pretty excited to go. We'll get to see what they have been doing- The hubby says they have pictures out on a poster board in the waiting area for parents, showing us the kiddies in action. I am a little jealous I don't get to take her or drop her off. Another thing that has really been impressing me- is Big Z has been VERY interested in writing. She's been writing her name on any paper she can get her hands on- she has been asking us how to spell our names, and for the most part, we just tell her how to spell the name, and she can write the letter. She really spends a lot of time doing this. She's been doing this more often than playing with her barbie dolls. Makes me SO proud she can spell her own name, and write her own name with out me or anyone else telling her how to do it. *big grin*
Well.. Hubby is waiting upstairs... and we've have a good evening-better than I thought it would be since he was snoring on the couch when we arrived home today. So I suppose I can pay him a little visit under the covers...;)

Ta-ta for now.... I'm done with my ABC's!!! Finally....

W

2008-09-25T21:38:00.002-04:00

is for... Whirlwind.

I dunno- this doesn't really have anything to do with what I want to write- but I couldn't think of a word that started with "w" that went a long with what I wanted to say.
Today- I am officially a student again! I enrolled for online courses for a business management study! I am pretty excited- and apprehensive. I also got accepted for financial aid- which is great!!!
I actually have my first assignment due Monday morning. I have to write a 300-400 word essay about myself. This is to let the teacher and students get to know me. Me. An essay about me? How am I going to do this? Are there special ways to actually write an essay like this? I don't know. But I am already nervous about this. And this is probably going to be the easiest essay I will have to write. !!

V

2008-09-20T16:59:00.001-04:00

Is for... Varience. I have had such a varience in my feelings today. I don't even know how to beat around the bush about this... And I am not even really sure if I should even write something about this but I found out that someone I am very close to was molested as a young teenager. We came across a couple old pictures and they were of the violator. I obviously never knew this and I am quite disturbed about it. This person says no one knows except for the victim and now me. The violator died from cancer I don't know how long ago but the pain from this person is still there. I don't know what to say about this and don't know what to do to make this person feel better.this person is having me destroy those pictures we found. I wish I could just do something to help this person but I am lost......

U

2008-09-15T20:39:00.003-04:00

Is for.... Understanding.

Which is what I have been trying to do for so many things- for so long. Everything from how to trim the type of plants and bushes in my yard... To why my brother keeps re-enlisting in the military... To why does my father need to be as sick as he is... To why people change- especially people who knew everything about you- maybe even better than you knew yourself..... To why times flies so fast... To how to de-stress... To how to organize my cluttered home... To how to live.

I am even sitting here trying to organize my thoughts to be able to write them down here... and I am having such a hard time doing so. ...

There was an old friend that had been in town for a week for his cousin's wedding. He called my old cell number- and never stopped by my house... never called my newer cell #.... so when the last 3 days of his stay came... friday and sat were the wedding.. and sunday... he was too busy... I can't really be all that mad- but it hurts a little. This guy was my best friend. He knew how I was feeling before I could pin a label on my mood. We were best friends through one of the toughest times of my life- middle school. And the past few times he just hasn't made much effort to visit. He always initiated wanting to visit- so it wasn't like I was hounding him when he would arrive in town. But something has changed. It's not the same.
This is what has been bothering me since yesterday. Next time. He said we'll get together next time.

T

2008-09-11T20:29:00.002-04:00

is for.... Thankfulness.

I am thankful for my family. My Brother is over in Iraq, on his 3rd tour. I can't be more proud! I have a technician that works for me, that was part of the NYPD- one of the first responders to the 1st 9/11 plane crash. He has gone through so many respitory problems. Finally getting better for him. He has also been dealing with a detached retina. One of the many things that he has had to deal with since the tragic event. For many men and women, it's their anniversary. Anniversary for a time when their whole life was flipped up-side-down, rearranged and changed so drastically. Not just people who were victims, but their families too. My Brother may be in Iraq now, and in just as much danger, if not more- But I will never know what those people really felt. I couldn't imagine.

Remember this tragedy and the families who are now living with out. Never Forget. Ever.

S

2008-09-09T20:45:00.002-04:00

is for... Smoothly...

PreK went VERY smooth! :) Big Z did so well- she loves her teacher, and each day she comes home with a different "friends" name that she finally rememberd.

On the toher hand- I am actually very grumpy right now. I have heart burn- with nothing to take for it... I have had a head ache for 3 days... i sleapt wrong and now my neck and shoulder really hurt. I have no time to take off from work unexpectadly, or I lose my job.
My house is gross right now. I wouldn't want company. Only a VERY select few could see my house the way it is right now. My gardens have gone to shit. There is so much laundry to put away. My rugs need to be cleaned. I have organizing to do. The other half of my garage needs to be weeded out. Kids clothes need to be sorted out. I wanted to go back to school- but it doesn't look like I can handle that right now. I have an extra vehicle in my driveway just taking up space. Promises from the Hubby to fix it. Promises from the Hubby to help around the house.
I broke a little tonight when I expressed to him how frustrated I am with things... how i hurt all over tonight... it didn't matter to him. He tells me, "Do what I'm doing, then we'll talk". ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?! Seriously???

I'm done. I'm burnt. I'm losing my mind. I can't do this any more. I put on a big front- especially with everyone at work. I just don't want people to think I am really crazy.... Cuz I'm really not. I need a lot more mental/emotional support than I can seem to get. And asking for it gets me no where- he says, " you knew i wasn't like that when you married me". so scratch that.

i'm going to have a good cry and go to bed.... sorry its not more interesting this time around...

R

2008-09-03T22:07:00.003-04:00

is for... Remembering today.

I really wanted to write tonight- I did. But my mind went blank, and I am exhausted. So I am actually going to bed earlier than normal.
Big Z had her PreK orientation today. It went well!! She didn't really talk to any other kids, but we had a hard time getting her to leave.
Tomorrow is the big day. We can't even walk her to the classroom. The teacher meets all the kids at a specific entrance - and then walks all them to the classroom. Security. I am happy for it- but I just thought it was going to be different. My baby is starting school tomorrow. I am still having a hard time with this.... and its only PreK.

Q

2008-08-26T20:14:00.001-04:00

is for... Quiet. Shhhh....

P

2008-08-20T19:15:00.002-04:00

is for... Parental Unit.

What really posessed me to have kids? I've always wanted to be a Mom. Even way back when I was maybe 8... I received 2 of my first stitches just because I was singing to my baby and my brother didn't like it!!
I've been so frustrated with my kids, and niether of them are even 5 yet.... It is so rough acting like a single parent while the Hubby works 50+ hours a week. I just can't get to everything. My Mom, along with numerous friends are always like, don't worry about this, and don't worry about that. But that's me. I can't help but to worry about everything. Everything from my Father's health, to how my 1st born is going to be left alone with strangers, to the organization in my house and my yard and gardens outside.
I can't find that happy medium and it seems to get harder and harder every day.
Just yesterday my Mother and I were packing the kids up to do a little shopping- and I realized that my mother lost a srap to each car seat. This is the 3rd time she has done this, this summer. She never puts the car seats in correctly, and it just irritates me because she thinks everything is fine. So I am irritated- then I am listening to both kids whine, and whine and whine. that frustrates me more- Big Z hit her lip on something while she was fooling around in Grandma's car- and it frustrated me more to hear her cry. She wasn't bleeding, and her lip wasn't fat- so I just yelled. Out of frustration. Of course my Mother stops everything she is doing to check Big Z out... but it makes me look like the asshole. My kids are extra whiney around Grandma because she gives them anything they want. So now I feel like the asshole because I didn't stop to check her out fully. The shopping trip ended up being exhausting and frustrating. I can't stand the way my mom runs things sometimes.
I'm exhausted. physically, mentaly...emotionally...I need some much wanted sleep... we'll see how this goes...

O

2008-08-13T22:23:00.003-04:00

...is for Overtime. Its a word that I can no longer have exciting or well being feelings for. Hubby has been working 50, 60 plus hours for at least 6 months. It wasn't so bad- I saw him in the mornings- he would make me coffee and get my lunch for that day together for me- while I dressed the girls for daycare. But lately he has been doing nothing but working- until 7,8, 9am in the morning... comes home, goes right to sleep- gets up- and is at work just as I am getting out of work for the day- and he does it all over again. Friday's he works while I am working- but he ends up being so tired that he doesn't do anything but doze off on the couch with the girls Friday evenings.... Saturday mornings he gets up and is at work from 5am until noon... Sunday he is so tired from working that he just has no ambition to do anything. This leaves me leading the life of a single mom. I hate it. I don't know what to do to fix it. But I am telling you right now- I am just so stressed out- and I hate the way that I have very little patience for the kiddies by the time we get home at night. My house looks like a disaster- but I neglect it to spend time with my babies each night- and i end up being too exhausted to care what it looks like.... then i regret it all over when i wake up in the morning... ugh.
Then I just get thinking of organization- but i have no idea where to start... we have 2 1/2 closets in tbis house and the half closet is in my bedroom- and we have a cape code style house- so our ceilings are slanted and minimal room in our upstairs... i can't stand it.
Hubby texted me this evening and said he was going to try out working mon-fri nights- he would be home in the mornings again- and with us all day sat and sun.... i dunno... he thinks this is going to work.. Tried to sell it to me like a used car salesman- oh gosh- we'll see...

Just a quick break!

2008-08-13T21:50:00.004-04:00

To say that Lil Bit awarded me with this: !! I send it right back to her- her castle can be very interesting!!

How nice of her! And this award is going out to the following Bloggers- to keep the generosity going!

Sloan's Mommy! : She doesn't write too much anymore- but she was the first "outsider" that I was blogging with! And my youngest and her only were born on the same day, just hours apart!

Trueself : I have enjoyed how "real" she writes. But still finds room to throw in a little humor-

FTN! : This is a blog that I have actually been reading for quite some time- but have only started to leave comments- and I still don't that often. But really enjoy reading from a male perspective of things!

Now like Lil Bit said- Display with pride, if you do! It's deserved!

N

2008-08-12T19:41:00.003-04:00

is for... Nostalgia.

I have been doing a little more thinking- and a little more analyzing these days. I hear someone talk about the drive home after one too many hits of pot or one too many shots...and think to myself that I was just that person the other day....And then you remember how old you are and realize the age difference between yourself and the "teenie boppers". We even called them that when I was a senior in highschool- everyone called the freshman girls, teenie boppers.
I have been thinking of Big Z going into preschool and its crazy to me... I have a couple memories from being 4 or 5 years old... I just went through this... 10- 15 years ago. How long?!? Right.
I am actually having a harder time the more I get older about turning older... I never thought that was going to be something that would bother me. Yeah- I always wanted to be that 21 year old when I was only 17... but never thought that I would even give a crap about turning older... And my Hubby- MY HUBBY is going to be 30.... The same age that us at the time, 17-19 year olds would try to score with- No longer being that 17 year old...

I'm really apprehensive about this aging process we have no choice but to do.

M

2008-08-10T11:33:00.004-04:00

is for Membership... to BJ's. The Hubby gets a discount of like $15-20 dollars through his work for the 15 month membership- So we decided to go fo it. And we immediatly fell in love. I have enough laundry soap to last me for 3 months! lmao. Probably not, but you get my point. I feel like such a nerd too because people have been going to BJ's and Sam's Club for years and years and years... Well, I also never had a family- and wanted, or needed to stock up before.
But anyway- we're in love- and we have already seen many, many Christmas presents that we're going to be able to buy!!

EDIT: OH- and did I so forget that the shopping carts they have a friggin great too! They sit two kiddies in the front of it- you know- where only one would normally sit- there is actual seat belts and room for two! So- really it was before we even entered the store that we fell in love- just from the shopping carts. LOL!

L

2008-08-04T22:25:00.002-04:00

is for Love... My girls are love... all the babies in my life- my 2 girls, my best friends little G and my niece, aka Little Diva are love...

Tomorrow Hubby and I go to register Big Z for PreK tomorrow-- Big Z recieved a letter from her Teacher, Mrs D. She's was so excited! She has a list, (like every other kid going to school) with things that she needs to bring her first day!
I can't believe my baby love is going to school! Some asked me how they think I will be her first day. To be honest- its going to be tough because we have to provide transportation- so I actually have to leave her with 2 adults and 31 other kids- whom we don't know- not a single one. How am I going to do this?

So I am off to bed so my tiredness doesn't make me crazy in the morning....

K

2008-07-30T21:09:00.004-04:00

is for... Knock Out. This is really what I would like to do to my husband right now.

Dear Hubby,
I am so, so, so frustrated with you right now. These past couple years have been the toughest we have had to get through. And really- things could be much, much worse. But we are still in the thick of things being really, really tough right now.
I don't know how to help. I don't know how to make things better. I get up in the morning- take my shower, make my coffee, make my lunch because you hold all the money- I have to bring my lunch to work instead of getting lunch some where like you do. Get myself ready for work.
I then try to find clothes for the kids in the 4 laundry baskets of clothes that you just don't care to put away. Ok- so you don't have a dresser- but this doesn't mean that the kids clothes need to stay folded in the basket. Put them away. It would be a GREAT BIG help.
I then wake the kiddies up and listen to them whine about how cold they are because you won't let me turn the central air off once in a while. What is the deal? Seriously.
After I get their teeth brushed- and make them go potty, I get them dressed. This has been harder- but has been very easy lately. It's nice that Little L helps a little more in getting herself dressed. She's getting so big!
By the time I tell the kids what they need to do 5 or 10 times- It's time to rush out the door and take them to daycare. It's so early- probably only 6:30am... If no snow is on the ground. My poor babies are asleep in their car seats listening to the morning show on the radio before i know it.
I un-buckle both of them, and let them close thier own doors- because Lord knows how they like to be independant. They rush into Aunt W's house- and give me quick hugs and kisses- and I am back in the car- pulling away- to my route for work.
I pray that I don't get stuck behind that person that wants to drive 50 in a 55- I need to stay right on pace so I will make it to work on time... But little do I know- for some reason there is just a line of cars that isn't moving. Why? There is no reason for them to be still...
I get to work- and deal with the pressures and metrics that I need to meet for that day. I end my day, and drive home, in traffice once again to pick the kiddies up.
Once I am in the door at Aunt W's- the kids start whining. They just want to go home, and I can just tell they are over stimulated and tired from all the camotion that goes on in that household
On the ride home, I listen to my little babies talk about their day. This is probably my most favorite time. Even though I hate driving by this point- I am glad to hear their little voices talking to me.
We get home- and again they have to close their own doors- or heaven for bid- they will throw the biggest hissie fit.
It's time to figure out what is for dinner. I hate cooking. You haven't made it any easier by taking something out of the freezer, or even given me ideas of what I could make. It's probably 6pm by this point. So I cook dinner and try to clean up the kitchen- throw a load of laundry in- We eat what ever I have decided to make. Big Z eats a little- but doesn't like half of what is on her plate. Little L hears how Big Z doesn't like something, and all of a sudden, Little L doesn't like it either. Little L eats less than Big Z did. It's frustrating- how do I really know my kids are getting everything they need to eat each day?
I wash them up- and its time for jammies- We go through the ordeal of trying to find jammies in the 4 baskets of laundry that are around. We brush their teeth- again- another thing they need to do themselves or its just plain hell to deal with.
We get upstairs and say our prayers- they want me to lay with them... I lay on the floor in between their beds. It's not comfy. And because I am closer to Little L's bed- Big Z thinks that I am not laying with her- and usually throws a fit. This lands me in Big Z's bed once Little L is asleep. This is probably 9pm by this point- and they should have been asleep an hour ago.
Finally- my time. I get online to check out myspace and my email. I then log on to my blog and if I feel like to write- I write- otherwise I read and leave little comments on the blogs I enjoy reading. I don't get to really watch my General Hospital- its playing in the background- and I record it on my DVR- I usually only hear bits and pieces. It's now 11pm. I have to go to bed- or I will never get up with my alarm- or by your phone call at 5am. My day is spent.
This doesn't even include any gardening, any cleaning of the house that really needs it, any organization of our bedroom or any bill paying.
You are left with making sure the bills get paid- and maybe- just maybe the lawn getting mowed- but i usually mow the lawn on the weekend anyway, because of your busy schedule.
So back to you only having to worry about the bills getting paid- Why, oh why is my electricity off?!?!???? I sit here at my Moms- so she can make sure I get up on time- and I have hot water to take a shower with- and so I can see - with a light bulb- while it is still dark as I am getting ready for my job. Why did I have to go make peace and pay the bill so someone could come sometime tomorrow to turn the electricity back on??
I had 2 cavities filled today. My mouth hurts. One side of my mouth is swollen. And all I could understand from you today was that you were too proud to ask the neighbor if we could plug our fridge in on their electricity so we don't lose all the food I need for dinners this week? And you are getting attitudy with ME? Are you crazy? You're at work with electricity, food, your smokes, and your buddies to crack jokes all night with. I hope you feel horrible. This SUCKS.

J

2008-07-29T21:50:00.003-04:00

is for Juggle...Something that I feel I have to do- with me being the only parent home all week- and I don't feel I am very good at it. Its hard trying to keep up with the kids, trying to cook something healthy... and the house chores that I just can't get caught up with- no matter what I seem to do.
Zoey had caught the "virus" that has been going around- threw up and had a fever for 2 days.. The morning we left for Poughkeepsie, she's was better!
So yeah- my Mom took the kids- and Hubby and I took another road trip to a friend/co-worker's of mine house. Let me tell you what a beautiful house it was! So very nicely decorated and was landscaped really nice. Its the kind of house I wish I could turn mine into. Its a little hard with kids who keep the house messy.... well, "lived in" as some others would say. It was really nice to see all the people who came- I work with them, but don't ever get to see them! I just deal with them by email and phone. So DN and his wife, AN were so sweet! The were VERY hospitable. We stayed at their house Sat night- and left Sunday- Hubby had a good time as well! He never got mad at me once- I never nagged at him for drinking...and it was a good time to get away with out kids. We went out to breakfast with DN & AN Sunday morning- and I feel so bad- they paid for breakfast and before we left, loaded our cooler with a BUNCH of food that was left over. Real cool! :) I want to get them something, or do someting nice for them, any suggestions?
So, next time- if they want to invite us- we'd go- and maybe being the kids.
We're trying to plan a trip around labor day weekend for down near that area. There are a few friends that we're going to visit- but it would be nice to get together with DN & AN- But sounded like they wouldn't be around. Bummer.

We're going to be arranging- er re-aranging our house this weekend. Its time for a change. I plan on getting in the garden too- something I have wanted and needed to do for so long now...
Hope everyone is well!!

I

2008-07-23T22:22:00.002-04:00

...am not sure where to start...

So the little vaca we took was "ok". It was with family that I just shouldn't spend more than 3 days with. We ended up being - er- I ended up being pretty frustrated- The kids were so spoiled to the point that my voice didn't mean a damn thing when I spoke- and I wasn't visable until Little L had a shitty diaper. The car ride home SUCKED. I was quite tired of My Mom- and the way my girls were acting- I was quite tired of them too.

So I have been planning on going to this BBQ this coming weekend- with the hubby- that a bunch of co-workers were having about 5 hours away. We were invited to stay the night- we're all set to go. I have my dish to pass and our booze. One Problem: Apparently, after 5 years- I am just finding out that I have a crazy jealous hubby-- I am not sure where this jealousy came from- or what real reason he has to be jealous. He has always told me that I can do what ever I want, and go out with who ever I want. And was excited when I told him we were invited to this BBQ- and we even have a babysitter- my mom! How could this be even better?
Right. It doesn't get better.
He starts in on- "Can the kids go to this BBQ?" I told him no. This is a bbq for us to get away for a night as a couple. Then I told him, "since you never see the girls- its ok if you want to stay home with them, and not go with me." I should never have said that. Cuz now I apparently ignore him when ever we go to public outings, our sex life sucks, and i always tell him how fucked up he is. He then wants me to go online and find something for him to do with the girls not far from the party- so the girls can come. Again- I told him absolutly not- and that I still wanted him to go with me- and how does he have money to do things with the girls if he was complaining all week that we weren't going to have any money besides for tolls and the food i am making to bring. I don't get it. Then i get the guilt trip that I don't act like I want to be with him, and maybe I should find someone else to be with. Why does he always say this when we argue?? Think he really wants out- but is afriad? It doesn't help always thinking this. When I said my vows- I said them seriously- and I am in this for the long haul and will do anything to make our relationship better. I am lost as to what I need to do...

H

2008-07-22T21:50:00.002-04:00

is for... Home... Finally!!

Ok- Give me one more day.... I will update tomorrow... I am in a really good mood right now- and going to bed early...

G

2008-07-19T23:07:00.002-04:00

is for... Grr.. I have so much to talk about. We did some really cool things- and I have some really cool pictures! But I don't have the time until tomorrow night to actually sit down and do this... I really just wanted to say I can't wait to go home... and I am pretty frustrated on how all the "adults" are acting....grrr

F

2008-07-15T21:43:00.002-04:00

is for .

We're taking a 6 hour trip to the east coast to visit with some family this week. We're leaving some time later on Wed! The hubby is going on some fishing trip on the ocean with the rest of the boys, and us girls will be taking my littles ones to a beach some where. I hope to get some kind of relaxation with this trip. It won't be a total relaxation because I still have 2 kids under the ager of 5. It will be nice to not have to worry about any kind of real responsibilities. Again, yes the kids are responsibilities - but and other family will be there. I will get a little break.

So we had to go to Lens Crafters and pick up some nose peices for my glasses because I lost mine. On the way we passed a nail shop- Hubby decided I have been good this week so he let me get my nails done. And while the kids were waiting, they painted Big Z and Little L's nail a pretty light pink. For FREE! They were pretty excited ! Made me smile!

Update: Our little niece is ok. They left the hospital around midnight last night. She hadn't had any more seizures. They do have to continue testing her- and her brain- but she is doing much better. Prayers are still needed in that direction to give that family strength to get through this.

I am a little excited because when we get back from the east coast, by sister in law with my new little niece will be coming for a visit!! She's going to be 4 months, and we still haven't seen her in person. I know it tears at my Mom & Dad's hearts a little- because they had plans to travel there when the baby was born, but my Father's health was not good enough to do the amount of traveling that they needed to do to get to the Mid West. So we will see her soon!

Ok-- Its now time for me to stop procrastinating- I need to get stuff packed so we aren't scrambling tomorrow to do so...

E

2008-07-14T19:10:00.002-04:00

is for... Exhausted.

Mentally, Emotionally, Physically Exhausted.

It's 08:04pm- and my kids are in bed! This is exciting! We're going away for a few days, so the stress of getting the house clean, clothes cleaned and things packed is on me!
I also just recieved a call from the hubby- and his brother's little 1 year old is on her way to the hospital because she had a seizure and stopped breathing. This happened before, back when she was like 6 days old, she had a series of seizures that lasted maybe 2 days... There is infant seizures on the hubby's side of the family- all but 1 aunt had grown out of them. The doctor's summed it up to that- and we thought she may have grown out of them already- but my poor sister in law and brother in law are in the way to the hospital with their youngest because she is going through this again. I wish there was something I could do for them, but I can't even imagine how they are feeling right now. All I can do right now is pray.

D

2008-07-13T17:21:00.003-04:00

is for... Drained.

Just like the evil sea witch, Ursula did to Ariel's voice... drained it right from her. I am tired of being expected to take care of every need the kids have. Don't get me wrong- I am their mother, and will do anything for them that they ever need. But I am expected to do this... Make sure the house is presentable- Make sure their is food in the house that He likes.. Make sure we aren't low on anything like dish soap or laundry soap... (even thought when I tell him we are low- i get the, we don't have money for that right now attitude.
He thinks that because he works all the time that, that excuses him from family and household duties. This is where we clash!
I am so frustrated... I miss the man that I married... that sent that last text message... that used to bring me home flowers and a card just because... that used to want to stay up late and watch movies... not just because the kids were up late, and now he can watch "his' show. The one who would make coffee and bring it to me in bed- when the alarm clock went off...
Instead, I let him sleep until almost noon.... and I still get nothing but disrespectful attitude from him...
I don't know what to do anymore...

C

2008-07-13T10:23:00.003-04:00

is for...

cleaning... Something we need to do today! We've spent most of the weekend outside playing in the pool, and planting flowers... so the inside of the house has been neglected. But today its much cooler and raining... One of those days that you just want to sleep all day... It really nice sleeping weather. So I am having a hard time getting motivated to get up off this couch to clean. And really... I want to do some heavy cleaning... organization and sorts.... but that is another problem I have... organizing... and I am such a clutter-bug. I HATE it.
Well.... let me try and get other family members to participate....

B

2008-07-12T21:19:00.003-04:00

is for... Bedknobs & Broomsticks!

Big Z picked this out to borrow from Aunt W- I was so excited! This was one of my favorite movies growing up!

B is also for . Libby hurt her hand on Aunt W's couch some how on Wednesday. Yesterday morning we woke up to her thunb being swollen and her boo-boo all red. she had a fever so we thought maybe it had to do with this- so we called the doctor. They think that her fever didn't have anything to do with her thumb because it was real swollen and it didn't have any red streaks on her hand or arm... so they think she's cooking up some kind of virus because she has no other symptoms as of right now- but if it lasts 3 days- then we have to take her to have them do some bloodwork. Not fun. She's acting normal though, and she doesn't feel feverish. We'll see...

B is also for bedtime- Goodnight!

A

2008-07-12T11:52:00.004-04:00

Is for... Alphabet. I am going to be blogging about stuff that starts with each letter from the alphabet. I am going to try and incorporate things that are going on in our lives... Should be fun! :)

The Alphabet Meme

2008-07-08T22:59:00.003-04:00

ok... So I bought the hubby a card- I needed to let him know how much I really do think about him, and sort of an apology for being less than a good wife on our own anniversary.
He appreciated the card- and sent me this text:

"Love You. Thanks for the card. We need a smaller bed so we're forced to cuddle again. I miss being close to you especially now that our time together is such a short one. I miss being annoyed with you and riding to work with you. I didn't realize how much I love being home with you and the kids til i spent so much time alone at home. I don't know how you do work and kids all by yourself but I could not do it. and I am tired and babbaling so I will go to sleep now, just know no matter what I say or do I can't stop loving you. "

He's forgiven.

This was neat- and I wanted to get away from complaing about my life... I found this on
- Trueself's Blog...

The Alphabet Meme

A is for your age: 27

B is for your burger of choice: I like a burger with catsup, mustard, hotdog rellish and peperccini peppers

C is for the car that you drive:
2002 Toyota Camry. I wouldn't trade it for the world!

D is for dog's name:
Gingles- a black lab that was bought for my grandfather for his birthday in December...

E is for an essential item you use each day:
Detangler- wouldn't get through the morning with curly haired girls!

F is for your favorite television show:
General Hospital!

G is for favorite game:
Cranium

H is for hometown:
My address was a city, I lived in a town, and went to school in a village... go figure

I is for instruments played: Flute until 9th grade

J is for favorite juice:
Cranberry WITH Vodka!!

K is for what you'd like to kick:
the van that it sitting in my driveway needing a new gas line

L is for last restaurant you dined at:
Friendly's a couple weeks ago with the hubby and kids

M is for your favorite Muppet:
I always liked the Fraggles... they are "muppets" aren't they?

N is for number of piercings you have:
3 sets in each ear, my cartilage

O is for overnight hospital stays:
When I had both my kids

P is for people you were with today:
Co-workers, daycare kids while we searched for Little L's shoes, and My Kids

Q is for what you do in quiet times:
Sleep, get online

R is for regrets:
Not going to college right out of highschool

S is for status:
Married, Getting Happier, Bored, Lonely

T is for time you woke up today:
4:20am is when the hubby called

U is for what you consider unique:
different from everything else

V is for favorite vegetable:
Broccoli cooked or raw

W is for your worst habit:
Smoking

X is for x-rays you have had:
I've had both ankles done a couple times, and if MRI's count, I had those recently

Y is for yummy food you ate today:
Sweet N Salty Chex Mix

Z is for zodiac sign:
Aries

Fireworks, Dirt & The In-Laws

2008-07-07T11:57:00.003-04:00

I hope everyone had a safe and happy 4th! We (the hubby & I) took the kiddies to this park- they had face painting- cheap food- and lots of bouncing thingys the kids could play and jump around in. Then fireworks. Big Z wasn't so thrilled about them. She complained they were too loud. Little L was fasinated! This was the first year she actually got to see them! She fell asleep the 2 previous years (being less than a month old, and then just over a year old), so it was fun! It was NOT fun when we were on the way out of the park and on the way home with her screaming that she wanted more fireworks.
We also stopped at the sister in law's house where every in law was there except his brother... needless to say, we didn't stay long.
I also played in the dirt in my yard all morning on saturday... there is so much to do... its been neglected!

So... Have I mentioned how much I HATE change? We are going through a lot of position changing (not my position thank God)in our office at work. After 4 or so years I am moving my desk. What a pain. It always seems like someone new comes in, tries to change things but it never works- and things go back to how they used to be ran. We'll see. I'm giving this new manager a try- but I'm not happy or excited about it.

I have also decided that I do want to pull my girls out of daycare. I was just talking to the new daycare and its going to be $40 more a week than we are paying now. Hubby was not thrilled and basically denied me- in a text. But after I thought about it- he hates making decision through text messaging and does not like the fact he can't see my face when talking about things like that. But lately he has been doing 70 + hours a week at work... how else are we going to talk... or have sex for that matter...
It was a long, busy week... My brain is fried... I am going to bed.... More for another time...

Slowly Losing My Sanity

2008-06-30T22:07:00.002-04:00

I am actually pretty frustrated... when I logged on to the computer, trying to unwind- I found myself logging into my blog. I am not sure what words will hit this blank space- And I apologize from the begining if it ends up just being a bitch fest.

We are going through a re-structure at my job. For some reason they have us switching to another side of the building. So we need to clean desks, and pack everything up. 3 years of shit at my desk I have to pack up to move like 100 yards. This may give me time now to update my girls pictures that are on my desk.

I am very frustrated and just want to scream at my husband. As you may know, this past Saturday was our 5 year wedding anniversary. It started out horrible because I didn't have a card ready for him. I just plain forgot. Then I got blamed for ignoring him at the baseball game, and the friends house we went to after the game. Its a long story that you can get the jist of on the previous post of this recent one. He had the balls today to argue with me, and make me feel like a total piece of shit while I was at work.
His exact text message is the following:
"Sat was fine til you told me to move at the ball game so you could be closer to your friends. Then I go get fried dough, come back your gone. Then at that girls house I just got flat out ignored. The best part of that whole night was talking outside before we left and that got rushed. I don't expect you to hang on me but i'm not going to chase you around so you remember i'm there either. I love you but this happens almost everytime we're around your friends. and you always feel bad after cause you can't see it happening"

Let me explain a little.
"Sat was fine til you told me to move at the ball game so you could be closer to your friends." This was with a bunch of people from work. There was 3 rows with about 10-15 seats in it. everyone was on one end of these 3 rows... I asked him to move down, or switch seats with me, so I didn't feel left out. Not sure what he could have thought different at the time- we had been there maybe 30 minutes. "Then I go to get friend dough, come back your gone." He told me he was going to the bathroom. There were a bunch of people next to me, and I had already bothered them twice to get up. I told him I would wait in my seat. He said no problem, and left. Some people cleared out- one of my girlfriends asked me if I would go smoke with her. I said ok, fine. I didn't see him while I was walking- and then I get this text message, asking me where the hell was I. I told him out smoking, come join us. He did.
"Then at that girls house, I get flat out ignored." we arrived - and he put the beer away- grabbed himself one and went and sat down on the only remaining seat on the couch. I grab my won beer- and stand- across the room from him because he sat his ass down on the couch. After a few minutes- we all decide to go in the basement and play beer pong. I never played- so I decided to watch. hubby wanted to play- but i think some girls were too drunk already to notice- so he didn't, but he sat right next to me. Then we play fip cup- and it was a survival series, he sucked at it, so he got voted off. Boo. It was a game. He sat on the futon. We played another game. He played. We ended the game, and a few people left. We both sat next to each other on the futon. He was worried about getting something to eat- so he started looking into that. We end up going up to the main floor to listen for the pizza guy. With in this time- I feel like I am going to hurl- so I make my way to her 3rd floor. She followed me for what ever reason. I must have sat at the top of the stairs for quite some time. I hurled. I went back downstairs and I was fine. I sat next to him again- Pizza came, I did not eat. We decided to leave. I am not sure how much more attention I could have really given him.
"I love you but this happens almost every time we go out with your friends." This was only the SECOND time we have gone out with "my friends" I think he forgot the time we went out for my birthday and I ended up walking his ass home- which was a 20 minute walk- on unfamiliar roads... because he was too drunk to stand up on his own. And then he ended up dry heaving for 16 hours. I think he also forgot about all the time I drove his ass home from the club- and all the throw up I have had to clean up. And I think he also forgot about our Wedding.... He had to be searched for- in order for us to have our first dance. And then when they found him- he hung on me because he was almost too drunk to dance. But this always happens when we go out with my friends. Right.

And tonight... It took an hour to get the girls to go to bed. It ended up with them screaming- and crying so much that Little L almost made herself puke. She was making funny noises and making me really nervous and pissed off. I put them in my bed, and then they get mad because I wouldn't turn the TV on. I refused. They finally fell asleep at 9:30pm, and actullly Big Z was not asleep, but I suspect she didn't take much longer. I will be waking them up exactly 8 hours from the time they fell asleep. I can't figure out if its really enough sleep for them. They both still do nap- or so the babysitter says they do. But when I pick them up, they are estatic to leave, but seem very over stimulated. I am also trying to figure out how I am going to tell my sister in law that I am pulling both my kids out of her daycare. It's a strange move for me to make- but I can't take it- I don't feel my kids are getting the attention from her that they need. She's too over whelmed with everything that is going on in her own life. I am also apprehensive about this new daycare. It's ran by the wife of the guy that I am now car pooling with- that I have worked next to for the past year. no details have been made yet, and we still aren't sure if we are just going to have my Dad watch Big Z- or send her to this daycare too. I am a little wierded out by Big Z being pulled away from her familiar surroundings. But almost every night she comes home and tells me that she had a bad day because of something upsetting her. I can't figure out if its because she is just so emotional, or if she really has a right for whatever reason to be upset. I need to get this figured out. If there is someone out there that has any suggestions for advice for me, I am willing to take it!
I am off to bed...

2008-06-29T22:16:00.002-04:00

So... Saturday came... we had a birthday party to go to, but i just didn't feel like it. We had so much going on with getting my house presntable before we left to go out saturday- just so i wouldn't have to come home to a complete mess...
Saturday was our 5 year wedding anniversary. So...we had planned to go to a baseball game with some people from my work. Hubby was cool with this- it was a time out, with out the kids. My Mom helped us out and offered to keep them for the night. We didn't have anything else planned... and I have been dealing with everything that has to do with the household because hubby did a 70 hour week. So... in the midst of me dealing with the kids and everything here...dum-de-dum... I forgot to get an anniversary card. I feel horrible , he said it was no big deal... after he had come home with a couple roses and a card... So shitty has been the feeling I have had most of this weekend.
We went ot he baseball game. So he asked me if I wanted to go out to this bar to watch a band that someone from his work was in. I said, sure- no kids, no problem. Well, we end up finding out some sort of festival was going on, and we weren't going to be able to park anywhere remotely close to this bar. We said screw it. We then got invited to go back to one of my girlfriends house after the game. The Hubby- not I- The Hubby said, "sure!".
Anyway, during this game, a bunch of us got up to go have a smoke- it was a hassle- so before we sat down, we made sure we had food and our beer- so we wouldn't have to get up again. Well hubby said he was getting up to go to the potty. I said fine, I didn't want to be a hassle again, so I stayed put. Well some more people cleared out, and it was easier to get out- Hubby wasn't back yet, but one of my girlfriends asked me if I would get up with her. So I said fine. 10 minutes later, I get this text message asking me, "Where the hell are you?" I was like, great- here we go. I told him, and he was upset because I didn't wait for him. It starts to rain- fine- we all decide to leave and go back to E's house. Hubby was all like, we're stopping to get beer, and pop and we'll be there soon. I never even had to ask him if we were getting booze... he made the decision before I had a chance of saying anything.
So we get to her house... we play a couple drinking games- and now these people were were hanging out with were people from work that I don't normally hang out with outside of work- so I was having a really good time. Hubby seemed to be ok- and socializing- so I wasn't worried. It wasn't like he was sitting in a corner becuase he doesn't know anyone... Well- I ended up drinking a little too much- and I noticed this when I sat down- and I realized that the bathroom was on the second floor- so I decided to go hang out upstairs for a little bit. I ended up hurling in the bathroom. But once I was done- I felt fine! I didn't ask for any help, and it wasn't like I had to have someone help me walk- I was fine. Now- before we went out- the hubby tells me that he didn't care where we were, or how drunk we were, or how tired- we were having sex that night. I said no problem- I don't get it that often since he works, so I was all for it. Well, he eats someone before we left E's house- and we then go home. I He was fiddling around downstairs, and i needed to lay down, so I went upstairs first. But I made sure that I stayed awake, waiting for him... and waiting...and waiting... and then when he finally came upstairs... he ignored me.. got into bed, and turned his back to me. No sex. No talk. Nothing. Being pissed at this, it made me want to go to sleep anyway- so I went to sleep.
Sunday morning he tells me that he was a little pissed that our night with out kids ended up turning into a girls night out. I didn't think it was this way- since there were 3 other guys there. It just happened to be more girls than guys-
So I start going through my head on the events of the night.... we got to E's house... he puts the beer down, grabs one for himself and sits on the couch- where there was no room for me to sit next to him... and standing near him would have been rude to other people. So I stood across the room. We watch some people play beer pong- we sat next to each other there. Then we play flip cup-- and he played- and we did it survivor version. I voted him off. He sucked at it. LOL. But I think he took offense to it. I didn't think it was a big deal- it was a game. People started to leave- and I thought for sure he might be ready to go- but he wanted to order food. We decided to go upstairs because of the delivery guy. they wanted to be able to hear him. This is when E and I went upstairs and I sat down- then started feeling sick. I sat at the top of her 3rd floor for a little while. I could hear hubby conversing with someone else- so I wasn't worried. I hurled- and then went back down stairs. The food arrived. They ate. We decided to leave. and then you already know what happened after that.
And then today... The hubby ends up talking with my mom- cuz my mom asked me if i was ignoring vince after the game- i was like what?! he told you that? and she said yes, but didn't want me to say anything to him about it. So I haven't.
And you should know that hubby is a very socialable person. He gets along with a lot of people. He has no problem talking to someone he doesn't know.
This pretty much upset me because there have been NUMEROUS time where we have gone out- and I always end up sitting or standing alone- becuase he is off some where doing his own thing. I don't know how to take it, or react to how he feels about saturday night. Except that I feel irritated that he even feels the way he did.
Its time for bed... He's already alseep with Little L- in our bed... and he knows I HATE it when he lets them fall asleep in our bed... they give me such an issue at bedtime during the week when this happens...

Hope everyone had a better weekend...

The Day Has Arrived!!

2008-06-27T04:55:00.004-04:00

Hi- Welcome, on behalf of Buttafly, to her blog.Who am I? I'm Dave, aka Sailor, and Buttafly has been adventurous enough to open up her blog for a guest posting. There's a whole bunch of us participating, you can read all about it on the instigators blog, over here: Fade To Numb, his name is. Go ahead and check it out, I'll wait.

Back? Good. When I decided to go ahead and do this guest-post thing, I had no idea at all what to write about. Luckily, it doesn't matter what I decided on, because no one will ever know what I was *going* to write about, so you're stuck with what I *did* write about.

Music, has been in my head today, so I thought I'd share a few thoughts about that. Music is a very powerful, very important part of my life, although my own talents in that direction are pretty much limited to singing in the car, where nobody has to hear me. Oookay, I'll join in the singing at church on Sundays, but there I have the advantage of being able to sing softly, and there's a whole lot of people and a choir to mask my feeble attempts at following a tune.

Sadly, for my kids (I have four), they couldn't escape when they were younger, so I did inflict various forms of aural abuse on them, by singing them to sleep when they were small. I think they fell asleep in self defense, not because of any real relaxation they gained, but the net result was still good. I got to sing, I got them asleep, and then I could go and find my wife and engage in other activities. That, however, is a topic for my own blog, not this brightly lit and clean-as-a-whistle blog. (Thinking of that, how do you think Buttafly keeps the dust off the tops of the letters in her blogroll? Mine are always collecting dust and grime, and I have to sweep the dust bunnies from under the tag cloud daily!)

Anyway, I love music, and it's always been able to bring back memories, and emotions that I may have been feeling at the time. It happened that today, I was listening to a playlist on Rhapsody, when a really old Simon and Garfunkle song came on and transported me straight back to high school.

When my wife and I were dating, (yes, we're high-school sweethearts, awwwwwww), we used to take the bus home; often, she'd ride the bus to my house, and we'd grab a snack and go hang out in my room for a few hours. Sometimes, we'd do homework, but more often, we'd turn on the stereo, lay on the bed with our club crackers and cheddar cheese and OJ, and just be with each other.

I remember a lot of whispering, a lot of giggling, and occasionally tears. I can picture it so clearly, even feel the headboard behind me, as it was then. All of the teenage angsty talk, all the deep, meaningful discussion of the meaning of life (we still don't know), is there a God (yes), what will happen as we get older (We'll have four kids), can I kiss you now (frequently)- the usual.

Very, very often the music was Simon and Garfunkel, or John Denver or Neil Diamond. Today, though, the song that came on was "I Am A Rock". What a rush of nostalgia, remembering sweet soft cuddles, warm loving kisses, racing hearts and exploring hands as we lay and listened together.

These days, I'm far too susceptible to the moods that music can put me in, but this time it was just sweet- instead of feeling down, or saddened, because the lyrics can really be a downer- I was just drifting and floating, letting the music take me back to those far off times.

After I heard that, I went and loaded the rest of that original album into the list- what a great list it is, too:
Mrs. Robinson
For Emily, Whenever I May Find Her
The Boxer
The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)
The Sound of Silence
I Am A Rock
Scarborough Fair/Canticle
Homeward Bound
Bridge Over Troubled Water
America
Kathy's Song
El Condor Pasa (If I Could)
Bookends
Cecilia

What fun, to play these, after so long, and be able to just listen quietly, not thinking much of anything, but allowing the lyrics, the melody to fill the room with mellow old sounds. I know, many of you are saying "Simon and Garfunkel"?? ewwwwwwww. Well, that's okay, you can say that- but I had a grand old time listening, so whatever your favorites are, go listen and go back.

This got really long, sorry- I'll be heading back to my place now, but I'm sure glad you came by and we could hang out a bit. When you see Buttafly next, tell her she's got a great blog, and I'm curious- does she have to keep re-drawing the chalk hearts? Don't the kids smear them? They're never out of place, it's amazing.

Have a great weekend, was nice meeting you.

PreSchool Here We Come!

2008-06-25T21:43:00.002-04:00

So we recieved the letter today saying that Big Z was accepted into the school district preschool!! This means that we do NOT have to pay for it! I am so excited!! She will be going in the afternoon- I am a little weary of this because of the time she has to get up in the morning- but we will see how it goes! Now we just need to figure out daycare before hand. We were thinking my Dad... not sure, but we'll see!

A littler shy and A little nervous

2008-06-24T21:36:00.003-04:00

And a little excited!! So... It's been annonced. I will be partaking in my very first "Blog Swap!" I get to write on someone's blog while I let someone write on my blog! I am actually pretty excited about it- but nervous because I don't know what in the hell I am going to write about! I want it to be a good blog- not one of my usual boring posts. I've been doing this since 2006- on here anyway- and I can't be that entertaining because I don't even think I have any usual readers.
So anyway... according to the rules I have about 48 hours to complete this. I wanted to do my homework and read up- to get a feel of who will be blogging on my site, and who I will be blogging for. I am not familiar with either.
So I have been going through this "thing" of needing adult interaction. Except none of these adults that I have been speaking with are obligated to keep me entertained...
"TJ"- someone that I had gotten to know from the internet- we've been in contact before I knew the Hubby and before kids... we've been close enough for people to suspect "things", buts it's not like that. We have an 11 year friendship. We used to talk everyday- then we both found different lifestyles, and it ended up being every couple months... then it was maybe a couple times a year. So he moved, and I finally got back in contact with him. He's a really good friend, and I was afraid of "missing out" on him again, so we talk- at least text almost every day. or every other day. But I feel I bother him- so its been a few days... and i will let him text me...
"MI"- someoneI had gotten to know from work. This adult is in another state but works for the same company. Was someone that I was able to bitch to, and this person understood.
"RP"- a guy that I used to work closely with- he's 6 hours away- but he knows a lot more about me than anyone else does, except the hubby. I should have met him years ago. We are Yankee Fans- and talk about them a lot. :) He's very easily teased, but would be there for you in a heartbeat.
Well... I have lost the writing urge. I need to do homework for my post in 2 days...

I love thungderstorms...

2008-06-21T10:01:00.002-04:00

Especially when I have no where to go- and I am comfy at home. And it doesn't knock my power out! I have lived really close to Lake Ontario (walking distance) my entire life- and I can't imagine living anywhere else at this point in my life. Sure I could use some more green space- I'd love lots of yard for my girls to run around- but it is decent enough- we have a swing set and trampoline and a kiddie pool- Plus there is a playground with basketball courts, tennis courts, a soccer field and baseball field kiddie corner from our house. We're not deprived from places to run. We get the nice cool breeze in the hot summer when the city is sweating their balls off just standing around! And when the weather man says that there is going to be lake effect snow- the strip of land we are on is usually not hit as bad as 5 minutes away was. We also have the most amazing sunsets. I can't complain. Well, I can complain about the bugs.. mosquitos and spiders. But I usually get told to suck it up- because I have lived here all my life- I should be used to them. Yuck. I will never be used to them.

I love baseball. I love the Yankees. It doesn't matter how stinky they can be at times- I will still represent them! I love Jaba Chamberlin, Jorge Posada, Mariano Rivera and Bernie Williams. It is amazing to me that I actually was able to be in the same stadium that Babe Ruth and all the good oldies played in. I've only been there once, and I will never forget it. I am excited to see the new stadium. It better be real nice!

I love Toyota. I love my Camry. I would buy another in a heartbeat. It is the most dependable car that I have ever owned- or that my parents have owned for that matter. I will own another one sometime in the future.

I love vodka. I love vodka and tonic (with lime!). I love vodka and cranberry. I love vodka and the new mountain dew, wild berry & ginseng. I love vodka and orange juice. I love vodka. I am also a fan of Jameson. I can only do shots of it- no on the rocks or mixing for me. I love Corona Light. with lime. I love Coors Light. I will drink Labatts and Bud Light. Rolling Rock Light is drinkable too. I guess I like Light. Heh. I also love reisling.

I love chocolate. I love Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Doesn't matter what size. I love Milky Way's and Snickers with almonds. I love the Lindt Milk Chocolate. You know, the kind that comes in the HUGH bar. That is SO my weakness. I love peanut M&M's. I love chocolate covered strawberries and chocolate covered pretzels. I love chocolate.

I love the smell of carnations, roses and tulips. I love the smell of clean Pampers and Luvs diapers. That will be the one smell I will miss terribly when my baby is no longer wearing diapers. I also love the smell of the lightly scented baby wipes from Parent's Choice. I love the smell of Johnson & Johnson's baby lotion and baby wash. Newborn baby's skin smells so innocent and clean.
Its time for me to love my girls....

Bring Him Home Safe!

2008-06-17T19:10:00.002-04:00

So this is my brother with "Baby Diva" :) You can't see either of their faces- but I balled my eyes out when I first looked at these. Happy tears- my brother finally has a baby, and she's MY blood! :)(i have several neices and newphews from my hubby's side of the family), sad tears that he is in Iraq right now and can't be with this little girl and his wife.

I just wanted to post this because I am a proud Aunt. =) Keep my brother and his family in your prayers as they continue on- He needs to come home safe!

Some Updated Pictures...

2008-06-07T11:05:00.004-04:00

Honestly... I haven't felt like getting on here and doing any blogging because I have been so exhausted since I have gone back to work.

But here are some updated pictures... as far back as the begining of may... Some of our weekend in Massachusetts and the next weekend from camping memorial day. Enjoy!

Memorial Day Weekend

2008-05-27T22:28:00.003-04:00

1 Big Field

22 Chairs

11 Families

14 Kids

8 Dogs

3 Sunny Days

3 Clear Nights

1 Big Bon Fire

1 Bottle of Sunscreen

Beer & Smoke

EQUALS A GREAT TIME!

I will get some pictures up soon... I have been crazy busy with some family stuff that is going on- but I wanted to write and say I had such a good time camping out with a bunch of people.

Sleep...

2008-05-19T22:04:00.001-04:00

That’s all I need is some sleep. I just don’t understand why my brain can’t just settle down and let me sleep. My body tells me to lie down and relax, but my mind has different plans.
This weekend went by real fast. Did a lot of rushing around after work on Friday- to help the hubby with a clogged drain at my parent’s house- then cleaning up a spilled slushie in my parent’s new car (it was my mother’s idea to give my 2 year old a full cup of strawberry slushie with no spill proof lid) - Then packing everyone’s stuff to go to Massachusetts for the weekend. Both my parents were like, “oh it won’t be that bad packing; we’re only staying 1 night”. Yeah right. They haven’t traveled with kids lately.
The trip there went by real fast. It was also the most uncomfortable road trip ride I have ever taken. I sat in the front seat- which I was all excited about. My Dad offered to sit in the back because he said his legs were shorter than mine, so it wasn’t a big deal. But there was no where to rest my head, even a little comfortable. The edge of the window was too far down, so I needed a pillow of some sort for the gap…which I didn’t have. I couldn’t lean my seat back because there was no room to do so. I also had a hard time putting my arm behind my head and resting it on the seat belt as I have often done- because the seatbelt wouldn’t stay locked. It was just a mess.
Ride home wasn’t as un-comfortable, I ended up with a pillow- but it just seemed to take so much longer. I hate traveling during the day.
I was a lot a little frustrated because I wasn’t able to walk. I had gotten the evil eye every time I decided I would go for a walk. Like, I was abandoning my kids. Even though, my hubby was there. It was like the hubby would leave the kids with my mom (there really isn’t much choice with out a fight when Grandma IS around anyway) and my mom would have to deal with the kids. Certain family members didn’t like this- My Mom should be relaxing I was told. (I also didn’t have a stroller with me because of the amount of room we had to bring stuff was very limited)
So I was frustrated- and I don’t smoke around my family- and I was frustrated more. So I ate. I def am an emotional eater. And I have decided I hate it. I also decided that I hate the feeling I have AFTER doing so. So I am trying to get back on the wagon today- and when I get out of work- I will be going grocery shopping and the picking the kids up. I will then be going to my mom’s house to attempt to walk on her treadmill since it is raining today. I do say attempt because I was only able to complete half of my normal walk because the kids needed attention. The movie only held their attention for so long.
We’ll see how tonight turns out…

More Sickies...

2008-05-15T19:06:00.002-04:00

So I am a little dissapointed, my schedule hasn't allowed me to be able to walk since Monday. Both my kids have strep throat. The little one is still at the contagious stage until tomorrow morning when she gets her 3rd dose. It doesn't help when the hubby works nights, and it gone before I even get home with the kids. Ugh. It depresses me a little because I was doing so good at walking, but I can't help it.

Tomorrow night we are taking a road trip to Massachusetts for a party that my Aunt & Uncle is throwing for all three of my cousins- They are all graduating college. It should be a good time, but I am not really looking forward to the trip.

My house is a mess and I am burried in laundry. This makes me feel so... so... I can't even pinpoint how I feel... I feel irritated. I feel this stress knot inbetween my shoulders, and I can't do anything about it right now. I have to unwind.

Work has been going pretty well this week! Its nice to be back. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to be able to stay home with my kids, but our financial situation just won't allow me to be able to. I wish I could even work from home. But I don't need a CD that will tell me how to do so for $59.99. It's all a scam anyway... Who can really make at LEAST $30,000 a year working from home?

Well... I knew this would be short, my mind is too frazzled right now to think of what to write... and I have to get jammies on these babies and try to get them to go to sleep.

BBQ Chicken Sandwiches

2008-05-14T21:33:00.003-04:00

I wanted to post this, so I'd have it in a couple days, and I didn't have a pen to write with- and this was easier than opening my email on this slow computer.

BBQ Chicken Sandwiches: I just toss a bag full of chicken breasts into the crock pot, cover them with BBQ sauce and a shake or two of grilled chicken seasoning and then let 'em cook all day long. We make our bread at home and have for a couple of years now. It's way easier than it sounds. I just throw all the ingredients in the bread machine and let it do all the work while I go do something much more exciting. By evening, TADA! Dinner is served!

This is from Ordinary Days' Blog. It in my list...

First Day Back

2008-05-12T21:20:00.002-04:00

Well..ZKB is feeling much, much better. Mother's Day was nice- I recieved flowers and a medium size wind chimes for outside. Which had butterflies on it- and butterflies are my favorite! :) We had a REALLY good dinner at my parents house. And we were actually home at a decent time. Good thing because I had to get up at 5am this morning because it was my first day back to work! I have been out of work 3 months - since my surgery in Feb.
The girls were so excited to get back to daycare that I almost didn't get kisses from them this morning! I did half of my normal walk today- me on the treadmill at my mom's and no one watching the kids (my mom took my dad to dialysis) wasn't such an easy task. A movie kept the kids quiet for about 10 minutes, and then they watched me for 5 minutes. But they were bored, and my mom's house is NOT child proof... so there was no way I could stay on any longer.
We go home and have dinner... ZKB was upset she didn't get to pick what I made. What is this?? Since when did she decide what we ate for dinner?
Kids were easy to get in jammies and they were asleep on the couch less than a half hour after they sat down. Nice!
The Hubby took our male cat in to have his shots updated. We really wanted to let him go outside because they have been fighting so much, and he seemed to like it last time, but the vet suggested against letting him out because he is 8 years old and had never been outside before. We also found out that he has some kind of allergies. The vet said his clue to that was his fur on his belly and the back of his legs was really thin- thus showing a sign of an allergic reaction to something. Not sure if its something in the house- or if its a food allergy. So we have to watch him, to see if we can tell what it is. They gave him a steroid shot for now. The Hubby did just switch their food- trying to find something that would digest easy. They throw up a lot, and I can't stand it anymore! Want a cat? two? three?
Well, it was nice to go back to work today and realize how many people actually noticed that I was gone. and the same amount happy to see me back. :)
I am off to relax... kids are asleep, I have an easy way to bed tonight...

Kids, Toys and the Sickies

2008-05-09T17:10:00.002-04:00

So last night my 4 year old decides she is too tired to eat dinner. It was a littler later than normal, but I thought it was a little wierd. I pushed it to the back of my head until I realized that when we got home she put jammies on and went to bed, with no problem. So my Mommy instincts kick in, I take her temp before she lays down just to be sure. It was only 99.0. I say to myself, its higher than normal, but our pediatrician has told us not to worry until it reached 101. That is when we are to start to give her tylenol. Well... these mommy instincts made me worry all night. I tell her before she is off in dream land to wake me up for anything if she needs me. Then I think to myself, she would anyway... but I guess I just wanted to make sure she wasn't going to act like a tough girl. She wakes up at like 3am, and decides she wants to sleep with me. Well this isn't too out of the ordinary anyway- but she asks me to get into bed... she never does that. Well, both kids ended up in my bed, and crowded me out. In a king size bed!! I went downstairs on the couch- and 5:30 ZKB wakes me up and tells me she needs to cuddle with me. I took her temp again and it was 101.4 or something like that... I giver her tylenol and prepare myself to deal with a sick child. Daddy tried to make her egg and cracker for breakfast around 6:30ish, like she said she wanted- but she didn't eat more than 1 bite. She said her throat hurt. Great, Great, Great is all I can think in my head. She lays back down and sleeps for the rest of the morning. Her temp continues to stay right near 101, even with tylenol and motrin. I called the doctor earlier while she was sleeping because they were at daycare 1 day this week, and one of the kids that wasn't there that day had strep throat. Well. I just wanted to be sure. They told me that if she just started complaining her throat hurt, I should wait until tomorrow AM, because the strep test may come out a false positive if it hasn't developed long enough. Well the day progresses, she won't drink much at all... only ate like 3 bites of her corndog and wanted to go back to sleep. Her temp was still up there, so I call afterhours at like 4pm... and we went this evening. her temp was 103 in the office, and the strep test came out positive. So here we go. I am trying to get my 2 year old to stop touching everything, which you mothers out there know its not possible!!!!
So now I am home, washing sheets and trying to clean. It takes 24 hours with medicine for her to not be contagious, so I am going to wait until tomorrow to do any real cleaning. I have the lysol and hand sanitizer out. I hope this does the trick. I don't need the little one getting sick. I go back to work on Monday, and this is what I DO NOT need.
I walked a little over a mile again today, and it felt really good. my legs burn less and less each time I walk. and it's exciting to me!
I am off to trying and stop these germs from spreading....

Satisfied

2008-05-08T19:35:00.002-04:00

So... Things are still a bit stressfull around the house. Our cats were fighting really bad again last night, and my leg got clawed. My male cat has been outside today, and won't come in. We need to find homes for all three cats- or at least 2 of them. I just can't deal with this stress of defending my kids around my cats anymore.
My kids were really good today, they played nice while Mommy did some spring cleaning in the dining room and living room. I have never seen so much stuff under the couch! We had 1 slipper, socks (that my youngest pulls off her feet- she can't stand them on)- fruit loops (I can't even remember the last time we bought fruit loops! Cat hair, animal crackers, cracker crumbs...needless to say there is no more eating in my living room! We also went through the kids toys and came out with a garbage bag full of toys to give away. Now I need to clean my kitchen, and go through the cupboards. Then next will be the bathroom- I need to figure out a better organization for my towels. Right now they are on the white wire shelves above our washer and dryer because we don't have a cupboard to keep them in. Any other suggestions??
We are going to have to attack our bedrooms too... We need to get 1 or 2 more dressers. The girls room has no closet in it, so I want to see about getting like a portable closet. We will see. The Hubby also needs a dresser. We tried to organize his clothes with white wire milk crate looking things, but he never used it... we put it together, i organized it maybe twice, and he just started piling clothes where ever... So now it looks like a big pile of clothes and I am tired of looking at it.
I did my walking today on my mom's treadmill. I kind of liked it. I walked 30 minutes and went 1.24 miles. A little worse than what I was doing in highschool... but I am almost a decade past that. I can live with it. And I know I will get better at it, the more often I walk.
3 Days until I return to work... I keep getting more sad the more I think about it... =( Oh well.
Now its off to get the girls in bed....

My First Day

2008-05-07T08:07:00.002-04:00

Ok, So I have learned that I need to control my self control.
I did really good with walking, and eating up until dinner. My Parents took myself and the girls out to eat. I didn't do so well because things tasted SOO good! But today is a different day, and I am going to be really good about this.
This morning I have my final appointment with my surgeon- and hopfully it will be confirmed that I will be ok to go back to work on Monday. I am actually kind of itching to go back, but I am also going to be sad- leaving my girls at daycare. I enjoyed staying home with them more than I ever thought I would.
Well, kids have had breakfast- and now I need to get them ready for daycare today- while I am at my Dr appt. I am looking forward to a good day!

Feeling Good!

2008-05-06T11:11:00.002-04:00

Well... I didn't think this was going to be a very good day. To start my life changing...The Hubby brings home doughnuts and coffee. MMmm mmm. I ate and drank.
Then at 8:45am, I packed the kids up in the stroller and off we went to burn off that doughnut and coffee. It wasn't bad. Legs were burning, but it felt good. It was the reminder that I needed to do more of this often. It wasn't a liesurley stroll, but I wasn't jogging either.
When we arrived home a half hour later, Kids played on the swingset, and then I let them chalk while i listened to a podcast on my ipod. It was a nice morning. Kids were a little whiney, so I decided to take them in and get some lunch. It was pretty early, but their bellies are full, and they are now on their sleeping bags, ready to nap. 11:15am! Nice!!
It's a shame I have to return to work in 6 days... I am so many mixed feelings about this. I will def miss being home with my girls. I've enjoyed that way more than I thought I would!
Well I am off to pick up the house while the girls are at rest!

A New Me!

2008-05-05T22:00:00.003-04:00

Well, I have decided that I need to get control of my life. The first thing I have decided to do is to lose weight and change my lifestyle in order TO lose weight. I found this site called SparkPeople. Its a free site that offers many recources and motivation to change your life! The Hubby was also talking about a bet he made with his brother to lose 50 lbs by thanksgiving... and he said he would take a look at this site- So here we go! I have support in my household- I already feel better about making this change in my life! I am excited to start... tomorrow morning...

Frustration

2008-05-03T08:29:00.002-04:00

So I find myself online when I get really frustrated and need to vent. I don't know why I can't express my frustration feelings with out making the kids cry or my hubby upset. To avoid both of these, here I am. I am back in this rut that I have gotten into before about feeling different. It's like something is missing... or there is excess of something, and I can't pin point it... and I am unable to fix it. I do have a lot of feelings going on right now, and they are something that I just don't want to deal with right now.
My Brother was home from Iraq, well, he was in the USA for a couple weeks- at his home, with his wife and new baby girl. 20 hours away. Well, I heard from him once. And then he went back to Iraq with out even calling home here, or calling my parents. I thought family was important. I thought he thought that way. I am a little frustrated and sad about this. I know he has access to email and stuff, but nothing is the same as talking on the phone. He was told his little girl has hip displaysia (sp?). He didn't let us know this until the night before he left for Iraq. And my Mom had to call him to find this out. Its like he gets a wife and baby and he forgets about the family he has in his hometown. This is just a little load that bothers me.
Now, I have two younger cousins that are graduating on the same day, different colleges and on my aunt and uncles anniversary. They live like 7-8 hours away. My aunt called my Mom and told her there was no pressure, but she hoped we could all make it. This is in a couple weeks. #1- My Dad had a major heart attack at the begining of January. Granted, he is practically back to normal- if what he is, is considered normal. It makes me nervous when he travels.
#2- I have no funds to travel, and we have two kids, and two full time jobs that we have to work around. I don't have much time off because of being off for my surgery- and its only May. I have until December 31st to spread my time out.
#3- My parents offered to rent an SUV or van so we could all travel together, since it will be such a short trip (leaving on a friday night and coming home sunday afternoon). This is frustrating again because my parents help us so much- I hate feeling like a mooch. I always want to help and pay them back, but I just can't.
So this is another thing on my shoulders.
I am returning to work in 9 days from being off for 3 months. I had surgery and the recovery process took longer than we anticipated- I have kept in contact with work buddies, but there are so many things that are different, and I HATE change.
I have so much cleaning and work to do inside my house and outside in the yard. I still have to get thank you cards out from Zoey's bday party. I have to get invitations out for Libby's bday party fairly soon. We have issues with ants. I want the carpet in my dining room tore up and different flooring put down, but we have to funds.
My three cats have been fighting so bad lately that we are all afraid of them when they are together. They are indoor cats and their shots are not updated, and 1 of the females is not fixed, so we can't just throw them outside like I would like to.
Gas is almost $4 a gallon, and I have to go back to work in 9 days, and with taking the kids to daycare, driving to work, driving to pick up the kids and driving home, I am like driving at least 50 miles a day. And I have no way financially of being able to stay home.
We are also trying to get my daughter into preschool. Most preschools have already had their registration- but we have been waiting on the school discrict to get approved to go through preschool because its free and we can't afford to pay $500 for my 4 yr old to go to preschool. And that is a lottery, granted they are accepting 32 more students this year, which is cool but its still nerve wrecking.
Ok... I need a break from this... Thanks for listening...

Playing Catch Up

2008-04-29T09:51:00.005-04:00

So...Never anything in my life is equal. If I am more involved in something- another thing is lacking. I guess the blog took a hit and sat on the back burner for a little bit.

Lets see...what have we done...

We went to the Seneca Park Zoo with my parents and kids on Zoey's BDay, here are a couple pictures...

The Tiger was actually "growling"- it was pretty neat.

I was so excited! The Penguins and Polar Bear were out!!

And the Elephant was 'playing' instead of lounging!!

My Mom & Dad bought Zoey a trampoline for her BDay- Daddy put it together the next morning. Here are a couple videos from the morning as soon as it was up:

Then couple days later we had Zoey's BDay Party- The day before my buddy Ali came over and helped me make the castle cake that Zoey was so excited about! It took 4 1/2 hours from start to finish- and it was a HUGE mess... but it turned out ok!! Tasted good too!! It turned out to be a really nice day and we were able to have it outside! That was nice that most of the mess stayed outside and not in my house!! Here are a couple pics from that:

We've been going to the library as well. The girls really enjoy being able to borrow any book their little heart desires.

2 weeks from today I return to work... ugh and yay! I miss a lot of people at work, but I have really enjoyed staying home with my girls. I wish money allowed me to be able to stay home.

Well... I feel a little more acomplished now I posted some pics up here...Enjoy!

What A Mess!

2008-04-22T10:53:00.002-04:00

So, I didn't get on here as fast as I thought I would. I still have a lot of pictures to upload to my computer. We have some from ZKB's actualy Birthday, we went to the zoo... and then her brithday party. What fun it has been the past week. But exhausting!!! My Aunt and Uncle came into town for the birthday party... One of my best friends, Ali left to go back to Arizona, where she is stationed. She was home for a couple weeks.
So my house was SO clean!! It was amazing! And Now, its worse than when I started to pick it up for the party. We have new toys, old toys, twist ties, boxes, tags, birthday bags, tissue paper, brat dolls, barbies, crowns, purses, new clothes, jammies from last night... and movies. ALL OVER THE PLACE! And let me tell you, my outside trash barrel is FULL! And trash day isn't until Thursday. If I can stand some mess for another day, then I won't have to worry about animals getting into my trash cans. And this way, we can start to get all the toys weeded out again. Libbs Birthday is in June, and I know there will be just as much toys... so I better start!!
I may be on later today with some pictures...

Happy Birthday ZKB!

2008-04-16T22:41:00.002-04:00

My oldest, Z, is now 4 years old. It seems like only yesterday I was sitting in the hospital, holding my new little baby.
So we took a trip to the zoo today- both kids really enjoyed it. Daddy brought home McDonalds for breakfast - Z was excited! She was even more excited when she found out that Daddy was going to let her have a piece of cake after breakfast. We celebrated with Daddy this morning, since he works nights and isn't around for dinner. It was cute. =)
Well, I am exhausted. I will post some pictures and write more tomorrow when I'm not so tired and I have a little more time.

2008-04-08T00:26:00.002-04:00

So it's officially Tuesday... and I am still not ready to go to bed. My mind is just racing with everything, and at this point, I doubt I will even be able to put it into words.
This past weekend was pretty eventfull. Friday we took the kiddies to daycare, and the Hubby and I went out to lunch. ALONE! It doesn't happen very often, but we did it! Then I attempted to do the grocery shopping myself! I thought I did pretty well considering we had a pretty tight budget and we needed some things that weren't in the food catagory. Well, let me tell you, I will never do the grocery shopping by myself unless I am given a list that the Hubby wrote himself (even though I asked him what he wanted me to get before I walked out the door). And actually, just to stick up for myself, words Hubby said to me before I walked out the door was, "you know what you and the girls like to eat"... nothing about what he wanted me to get. But I got shot down after he saw that I didn't buy everything he normally buys... even if he liked it. I have just been so sick of the stuff he has been buying since I have been home with the kids for three meals a day. And I have also been so sick of walking on glass every time I need shampoo or face soap... or whatever... kids needed shampoo and baby wash... We needed this stuff, but I get the attitude because not much food- to his liking was bought. I didn't even know how to fix this- so I told him to shop next time, and noticed that i was pissed off.
So anyway... this past weekend... Saturday kids finally got to play outside...and saturday night my husband has the bright idea that he wants to cut the kitties nails. Well, we have three cats... 2 down, no problem. Hubby finally has the big, strong male cat pinned down to the bed- and I get his back paws done- well he was getting really agitated so I told hubby to let go of him. Well, one of the females didn't like the way he was expressing his feelings, and she attacked him- starting this huge cat fight. we yell to the kids to get into their room, and this cat jumps up next to me, on the bed, and has at my arm. tears it up pretty good. I was impressed with hubby- he had Libbs in one arm and the crazy cat pinned to the floor with the other- So, outcome was, we put her in the carrier for the night, and in the morning, she was fine. We called the vet, and they told us that we need to get her fixed. That its her hormones going crazy and making her really territorial. So we are working on getting $70 to update her shots, and then another $225 dollars to get her spayed. CRAZY. and don't you know, last night both of those cats, were laying in bed with me, purring away... mental, crazy cats.
So Sunday... hung out with one of my BFF's - A. She's on leave right now from the military. Kiddies played outside... we had dinner at Grandma's house.. and then 7pm... my mom says- wanna go shopping? I was like, what?! lol.. She noticed that our 4 year old was growing out of her clothes fast.... so how could i say no... so we went... Z loved it!!! I love doing spurr of the moment things, and its pretty hard to do with both kids... and one still being in diapers.
Today... kids played, napped, and loved mommy! We went outside for a little bit this afternoon- kids played on the swingset while i tried to get most of my yard raked up. I have been itching so bad to get out in the yard to do some work... but my body is sore tonight!!!
Tomorrow is another nice day.... we'll be outside... and I will be getting a free meal for dinner! One of the managers that I work with in southern NY is up here doing some work, so he's taking a couple of us out for dinner. without KIDS!!! :)

Well...its nite nite time... (as the girls would say)....

Even if it snows again... Spring Is Here!!

2008-04-03T22:24:00.003-04:00

So today has been the 7th day in a row that I have had the girls home on my own. 5 days ago when my husband told me I needed to keep them home instead of taking them to daycare so we could save money, I thought I was going to have a melt down. But honestly, I now wish that I was a SAHM. There just isn't any way that we could financially do it right now.

So Libbs and I slept ALL MORNING on the couch. We were up around 6:30am... and we had breakfast and plopped ourselves on the couch. Zoey watched some Noggin and Libbs slept right next to me. I woke up at 11:30am. I haven't done that in SOOO long... I asked Zoey why she let me sleep so long, and she tells me.. "You were really tired Mommy"... Isn't she sweet? :) It's also nice having a 4 year old that is well behaved.

So here are a couple pics from this afternoon- Libby is learning how to swing! She was too cute. She still needs to learn that if you walk in front of someone that is swinging, you just might get hit. LOL.

Libby was so excited that she wasn't falling off the swing!!

Zoey taught her little sister how to do this!

This was Zoey today

This was Zoey ALMOST a year ago. ...

Isn't it crazy how they grow so fast!!! It almost made me sad to see this picture... I wish they could stay little forever...

Raising A Toddler...

2008-04-01T22:04:00.002-04:00

I was searching through some blogs, and I cam across this post. I thought it was GREAT! And Wanted to share...

Let me be the first to clue all your first time moms of babies the hell that toddlerhood is. It's not the "terrible twos". It's the terrible 15 month - 4 years.
When your baby is born, you anxiously await the next milestone. You can't wait for baby to roll over, crawl, sit up, etc. One of the most anticipated milestones is talking. You hear all these adorable stories from your friends about the cute things their toddler is saying. What most are leaving out is the fact that within a few months of them learning to talk, they want them to STOP. Granted, they do say funny/cute/sweet things. But, the in-between is hell.

Here are some rules they all apparently live by:
Everything must be repeated at least 5 times. Otherwise, mom or dad might not hear/understand you.
If mom or dad says no, whine. Tears help here, too.
Mine, no, why - words to live by.
When driving in a car, yell out the word for everything you recognize. Loud, or they might not hear.
Point out your ouchies multiple times a day.
Announce to the whole world that you have to pee.
While we want mom and dad to listen to us, reciprocation is not necessary.
Picking up 3 toys out of 50 means it's clean.
Sharing is for wussies!
Whatever mom and dad have on their plate is much better than the crap they serve us. Who cares that it looks the same???
If you need more of something, don't ask mom or dad when they are already up, make sure you wait until they sit back down.
Furthermore, if you need 2 things, ask for one at a time (again, waiting until they sit down)Dinner time = Poop time
Talk back - they love it! If they say no, it's because they didn't understand just how serious you were. Show them - throw in some tears.
Destroy things they hold dear, or that are expensive.
Wreck their house! Color on the walls, scratch the floors - it's not like they can make you get a job!
Refuse to say things like, please and thank you. But, make sure to remind them of their manners should they forget.
Beg for chicken nuggets, and if you get them, don't eat them. For even more fun, beg to eat about an hour later - but change it up - you want mac and cheese this time!
Be unreasonable - always.
Insist everything in the house is MINE.
Cry when they change the tv channel - even if you haven't watched the TV in hours.

So, for you first time moms, be warned. And, be afraid.

*I loved, loved, loved this- I can say that 95% of these things happened TODAY*

BBQ & Kids?

2008-04-01T20:37:00.003-04:00

So, my mom calls me today, and says that my father wants to take us out to dinner. We ended up going to Famous Daves- which is a Ribs & Pork BBQ Place for those of you who don't know. It was kind of quiet when we arrived so I was like, oh great- I really have to keep these kids in line. LOL. Thye did fine. There was this person, dressed in a PIG Chef costume that came over to the kids and said hello. Both kids had looks on their faces, like, who the heck is that?!? LOL. I wish I had my camera. They waved, and talked to the pig for a little bit. Then it was on to dinner. Rib dinner for all of us. It was the first time we had all been here. It ended up being really good. And the kids dinners aren't all messy like I expected them to be. Which was cool. It was still a little of a mess, especially with a 21 month old who likes to cover herself from head to foot in her food. =) We had a good time.

The other night- Hubby and I went out to a country bar with his brother and wife. The wives were celebrating our birthdays! My Mom and Dad ended up giving me some money for my brithday, so we had a good time. They have a mechanical bull there, and yes- hubby was drunk and made an idiot out of himself. This picture isn't too clear- it happened pretty fast- but at least I have proof!!

So wish me luck- the next couple weeks involves getting ready for Zoey's 4th birthday party. I hate to say it, but I wish I never mentioned a party to her. She deserves it, we just don't have a whole lot of money right now. Especially since my short term disability company and dr office is screwing everything up.

3 more days to go... with both kids... and errands i am going to have to run tomorrow. Why can't I just have some sort of organization?? I can't stand it...

See... my mind isn't even organized...Until then...

Just Another Saturday

2008-03-29T13:41:00.004-04:00

So, it's almost 2pm. Normally I would feel that they day is almost over. But today is actually going to be a long one.

We took our nephew, JRS overnight last night. The Hubby took him fishing this morning. This boy has a lot of problems going on right now, and needs a lot of attention- to keep him on the right track... It was nice having him here, he was very well behaved.

We are actually celebrating My birthday with my parents and family tonight. The Hubby works nights, and my Dad has Dialysis on Mon, Wed and Fri nights. My Birthday was this past Wednesday- so we decided to have My birthday dinner tonight, so everyone could be there. My Mom has always done "Birthday Dinners" for everyone around. Since we were little. But back when we were little- and it was really just my parents, my brother and I- we usually got to pick a restaurant that we wanted to go to. The family has grown, and thus we would spend much more money. But at least, if it's your birthday, you get to pick what the dinner is. From the meat, to dessert. Its always nice to have everything that you like. This year I will have TWO birthday cakes! We are having an ice cream cake tonight after dinner and then the Hubby went and bought a cake, and a card from the kids and then one from himself and he gave that to me on Wed morning. It was cute. We let the girls have cake for part of their breakfast that morning. Boy were they excited! LOL. Here is a picture of the cake- Its already cut- but at least I had gotten a picture of it before you couldn't tell that it was a cake!

So, after dinner at My Parent's house- we are taking the girls over to my sister in law's house. She is taking all 9 cousins from the Hubby's side of the family. That includes our kids!! I am always happy to be able to get out of the house- but as many parents know- you miss your babies as soon as you drive away. Or maybe I am crazy - But anyway- The sister in law is taking all 9 kids tonight. The ages range from 8 months to 15 years. There will be lots of help for her anyway from the older kids.

This leaves he Hubby and I to go out. We have limited money, but we are joining his Brother and His Brother's Wife for a night out- we're going to a new bar that opened not long ago. She is actually going to be 30 tomorrow, so we're both celebrating our brithday's! Haven't decided if we are going to spend the night at their house, or drive home. Depends how the night goes. I hope to have fun! (Especially since the babysitter OFFERED to take my kids so we could go out- I didn't even have to ask!!)

2008-03-27T22:12:00.006-04:00

H... H is for Happy Birthday to me! (3-26). Its been almost a year since I have updated this, and I regret it. I probably could have let A LOT off my chest if I took the time to sit here and write.

Lets see... Lets do some updating... Back in October/November I had a tooth that had gotten infected- sent me right to the emergency room. Found out that the root canal that I had gotten done was done incorrectly. Had to have it done again. Then I decide that I am going to go ahead and start fixing my teeth, all the problems that occured when I was pregnant. Yes, I procrastinated. Procrstinator is my middle name. So I am going along with this fine. Towards November I start to feel a bruise like feeling in my tail bone area. Thought that I may have just backed up into the counter or something... Well, it got worse and worse, and finally I couldn't even bed over, or kneel down to give my girls a bath. Went to the emergancy room for this- and was diagnosed with a pylonidal cyst. I remember that, had problems with it when I was 17. It drains on it own. Feels better, but still hurts. The surgeon that I was referred to, referred me to a plastic surgeon, he thought that maybe i would need reconstructive surgery so I wouldn't have this problem in the future. It took forever to get an appointment with these people... Thanksgiving went by then I saw the plastic surgeon. He says he doesn't feel that he is needed because the location was small... Christmas went by.. then a couple days before New Years, I start to feel the pain again... and the surgeon tells me that he really wants me to have this surgery. So I go along with it, and surgery was sched for Feb 18th.

The 2nd week of 2008 really sucked. My Dad suffered a pretty massive heart attack on Jan 7th. They had him sedated and on a breathing machine. They had to shock him back twice- At Dialysis- where he had the heart attack. Thank God that he was there, other wise he may not be with us today. He went through a double bypass, open heart surgery 3 days after his heart attack. 3 days after that, he was sent home- On recovery. He made it. He needed help walking and going up the stairs (duh! massive heart attack and open heart surgery), but it was so wonderful that he was home. I never wanted to preach about God and praying before, but this made me want to do so. About a month later he is back in the hospital with pnemonia, and they found fluid in his chest cavity. Which was making him short of breath and giving him a pretty sharp pain in his side. He ended up having to have a tube placed him his back to drain the fluid. If its not one thing, its another. To this day, he is doing MUCH better. And is pretty much back to his normal self. My Mother quit her part time job at JCPenny's because she felt she needed more time with her family. (She was working the night he had his heart attack, and she hasn't left him at dialysis by himself since). Good. more time with the grand babies. It was rough not seeing her as often as we do. I never thought I would say that, but its true.

My girls are growing fast- They really aren't "babies" anymore. Makes me sad sometimes. Even though they are little girls, they are getting so big. This is them on Easter, right before Church.

Aren't they gorgeous?!

March 25, 2008- the day before MY brithday my Brother's wife had her baby!! She is such a gorgeous, precious little girl! 7lbs even and 18 inches long! It really stinks becuase she is 20 hours driving away! They live in Kansas. This is where they have lived, where my brother was stationed in the Army. That was before he went to Iraq. Nope, he didn't get to be there for the birth. Only becuase he caught Mono!!! How shitty is that... But we have been told he will get to come home in a couple weeks, and he will be able to spend time with his new family! I wish I could be there to hold this new little life, but we have so many restraints at this time. No money, and I just had the surgery to remove the cyst. I have been out of work. Hopefully my parents will be able to fly there in a few weeks. Nothing is definate, but it was planned before, I hope they can still go. All depends on my Dad's health.

Well... off I am, tired of babbling...

Here is the picture of my little niece!!

2007-05-17T19:36:00.000-04:00

F is for Flowers... Zoey went with Daddy to the store, and as you can see picked out some beautiful flowers for Mother's Day for me. Hubby said that Zoey pick them all out- even the colors... How amazing! They still smell SO good...

G is for Gift... Zoey picked out that huge balloon... If you tap it at the bottom, it sings a mother's day song! They also picked out my favorite chocolate... Lindt! Mmm Mmm Good.

ABC's

2007-05-13T09:16:00.000-04:00

A Is for Antihistamine… I am SO sick of medicine and runny noses. Baby Libby has had a cold for 2 ½ weeks now – Took her to the doctor last Thursday and she has the start of an ear infection- so she’s been on medicine- and let me tell you- sometimes it is SO hard to get her to take it… and that medicine is STICKY!!! Drives me nuts…

B is for Better Days… The sun is starting to shine more often here- and it’s about time! I now have this itchy feeling to clean. Its so hard to get anything done with two little ones running around!!

C is for Chaos… It seems like everyday its something different… Dealing with my office and technicians at work always has to be some kind of chaos… Nothing can run smoothly…. Why does it have to be so hard just to follow directions? I feel like I run my own adult daycare…

D is for Deployment- My Brother came back from combat training and is expected to deploy to Iraq sometime in August for 15 months. How crazy is that… 15 months… How can you put anyone over there for that amount of time? I just wish that he would decided to settle down and starting having kids with his wife. I wish they would move back home here. You know I have nieces and nephews from Vince’s brother and sisters- but it’ not the same- their not blood- I also don’t know if I am ready to be dealing with my Mom and Dad after he leaves for Iraq. My mom was just always a mess… and she didn’t know how to balance her emotions and love… You know we were here- and my brother was there- but everything had to always be about him. I understand the circumstances, and I don’t expect her full attention all the time- but she wasn’t sensitive at all about it…

E Is for Every thing that I still have to remove from my Grandmother’s house. Some how my pile that I was supposed to take grew from what I originally said I would keep from Gram’s. There is so much stuff, and my Mom keeps saying she is going to help me—but finds herself to be busy with everything else. I can’t move all that stuff by myself like she expects me to do while my husband is working. I have TWO little girls… and TWO little girls will not be able to stay out of the way- especially when my 11 month old is a “climber”. *As of Sunday- This is done!!*

Finally...

2007-03-24T23:11:00.000-04:00

So its been some time since I have been here... A lot has been going on and I don't get much time to myself anymore- If any. So lets see... My Grandmother's service was really nice- Some of the family that should have showed up- didn't- It was a little irritating, but no one every really said anything about it. Not long after that- my husband lost his job. He has now found a job delivering Krispy Kreme Doughnuts - on the over night shift. Its paying the amount he was making before so I can't complain. Its rough being by myself with the girls at night after I have been working all day and not seeing my husband as much as I honestly need to. This Monday is my birthday and we're supposed to celebrate it tomorrow with my parents, and Vince won't get to be there for very long because he has to work again. Honestly, I am really frustrated with the fluxuating hours that he has. His shift depends on the route he does. And he doesn't do the same route every night. And he's not even local- He's driving almost 3-4 hours away- and it can be a 12- 14 hour shift... It sucks not having the support I need from him. But we need the money and have to do what we have to do. Couple weeks my little girl Zoey is going to be 3. I can't believe that much time has passed since she was born... She's growing so fast- and getting so big. In May we are going to have Libby baptised. And then in June Libby will be a year old... Where does the time go?? Its really here and then gone so quick... Its almost depressing... I have just been having a rough time with everything going on... I can't quite grasp myself anymore... and not sure how to... I used to think that I was so strong- what happened? One day at a time I keep telling myself...

Some pain is over... The rest is just begining

2007-01-25T07:04:00.000-05:00

So I am on here... 7am-- Zoey has been sick this pas week. She's now sleeping on the couch. I hope that she stays asleep for a little bit so I can cuddle. My poor baby.

My Grandmother passed away this past Tuesday. My mom called me at work and told me that she only had hours to live. This was expected... Maybe not this soon- but her health hasn't been any good for about a month now. My Mom and I took my girls and we went to Massachusetts this past weekend to visit Grandma. She wasn't doing well- and I just about cried myself to sleep both nights I was there. I had some time to prepare for Grandma passing- but Its never and will never be easy. She lived a good long life- was liked by a lot of people. She was one of the strongest women I ever knew... She taught me a lot. I just pray now that God has her wrapped in his arms, and he takes care of her. She isn't in any pain anymore- and I was told at the time she passed- she wasn't in any pain and passed away peacefully. I have the rest of the week off, and then in a couple weeks we will have services for her. Its taking a little longer than a normal funeral because she is still in Massachusetts. She will be brough back here for services and spreading of her ashes... I'll be around...

2007-01-14T01:18:00.000-05:00

http://www.myspace.com/me32681

2007-01-04T23:28:00.000-05:00

So I have a little time to myself... and just a little- its late and I am tired!
Holidays went well. We spent Thanksgiving in Massachusetts- It was a good time! Always wish I had more time when I go there... Christmas was spent with both of our families here. The Mother-in-Law had to start her crap-- but it didn't ruin the whole day! New Years was fun. This was the first year that Zoey was able to stay awake until midnight. She did so good! I didn't force her to stay awake- I kept giving her the option if going to sleep- even on the couch- and she didn't want to. 12:33am she fell out. My Christmas decorations are almost all packed away- I think the only thing I have to do is get the actual tree out my house and take down the outside lights. I had everything packed away New Years Day! I love Christmas time, but its one of the most stressful times of year- ever! I was glad to see it go. Kids are doing well- Libby had her 6 month check up the middle of December- she was 17lbs 14oz and 28inches long! She's wearing 9month stuff.... Ugh- she's going through stuff faster than Zoey ever did... We weighed Zoey on Grandma's scale and she was 35 lbs! She's getting big too... Tall... She's in 4T stuff and only going to be 3 in April. I am staying home tomorrow, there is some stomach bug going around everywhere- and it hit daycare! So we're going to take the chance that keeping the girls home tomorrow will prevent them from getting it. And it give me a long weekend! :) Well- Hope all of you are doing well. I hope to stop by your pages- or send an email real soon. I have lots of updated pictures!

2006-11-19T16:40:00.000-05:00

So here are some recent picture of the girls...

The first picture- I was finally able to put Zoey's hair in Pigtails! How cute she was!

Second picture.. The girls snuggled on the couch with Daddy.

Third picture... Zoey all done carving her pumpkin! *with the help of Daddy*

Fourth Picture.. Half of Zoey's halloween costume.

Fifth Picture.. One of my best girlfriends had come home for leave from Afganistan- and she brought these outfits for the girls from there! How neat they are... And they looked so freakin cute!!

So I sat in my kitchen and baked some cookie this afternoon. Snikerdoodles! Love them!!
Tonight after dinner, Zoey and I will bake some cut out cookies. I plan on taking some with us on the trip to Masachusetts. *3 days*

So yeah- we're going to Massachusetts for Thanksgiving. I am kind of excited to just get away. I am going to be bummed because I know that money is so super tight this year. My Brother told my parents that he won't be joining us this year for Thankgiving. He told her his money is way too tight to travel 24 hours by car or spend $700 for plane tickets. She was so bumed- so I decided to suck it up and come up with some money to get there and back home.

I can't wait until tax time! lol. Too bad it doesn't come right before the holidays!

So Libby Rose has started rolling over! She's probably been doing this for the past couple weeks. Its exciting! Couple weeks ago we decided to start feeding her food. Well- she wasn't opening her mouthg for the spoon- nor was she even remotely looking like she wanted any of that food in her mouth! lol It was a pretty funny site. The pediatrician said she probably isn't ready for food. Not Ready For Food?!? It was kind of dissapointing. We were feeding Zoey when she was 4 months. So we've tried rice cereal, oatmeal, applesauce, bananas and pears. She was loving the pears the best. Feeding time has been getting better. She opens her mouth for the spoon now- and takes in the food. She is now just learning how to swallow it. She'll be on track soon!

Zoey has been doing better with her potty training! I think she's got the pee down pat! We have to remind her pretty often if she gets caught up in playing. We are having problems getting to the potty for #2 though. Oh well- she's getting there too!

My Mom found out she has sleep apnea- and she now just found that she has shingles! It sucks- and she's now really nervous- the Doctor told her that it wasn't contagious- but she should stay away from girls that a pregnant... So it is contagious- but its not. Whatever. My mom is now all nervous around the girls. My dad had to have surgery on one of his legs because he had very poor circulation from his diabetes- and now he might lose his pinky toe. Its better than his whole foot- which was a possibility a couple months ago. I went up into my Mom's attic to get down the barbie car and barbie horse I had when I was little for Zoey. Well- while we were up there, we found some things really damp- and found that her roof is in pretty bad shape. I feel so helpless and bad for her right now. She took out a loan for us to get this house- and if she didn't have that loan- she would be able to get a loan for her roof. So here go my emotions all over again.

Well- time for dinner... Hopefully I will stop in soon again! :)

Catching Up... With Life

2006-10-22T14:17:00.000-04:00

So I guess I found a little time to catch up with myself.

Its rainy and cold today... I should be on the couch sleeping with my girls.

I have been trying to hard to keep up with all the work that needs to be done at home- laundry- cleaning- playing- changing diapers- reminding Zoey to go potty- more cleaning- folding and putting clothes away (I feel I will never catch up with this), taking my Dad to dyalisis, keeping in touch with Grandma, work, being a wife, sleep and finally time for myself.

We have had Zoey wearing "big girl" undies- no pulls up or diapers. Only at night- or if we need to go somewhere public. She's been doing really well. She has learned that to get me back, she pees in her pants when she is mad at me. We have had a hard time getting her to dump a #2 in the toilet... Thats been pretty messy. Any suggestions??

At Libby's 4 month check up- she received 3 shots. Her poor little legs. She was a little cranky and sleapt a lot. She was 25.5 inches and 15lbs and 14oz!! She is getting so big, so fast. We had to bring out the 6-9 month stuff. Its crazy- even Zoey didn't grow this fast.

So- not too much different has been happening lately. I have just had to sit down a collect myself. I feel pretty emotionally unstable still- and have had a hard time finding any time to do anything to please myself. Couple weeks we are going to have a girls night out- and the babies will be left all alone with the hubbies. I can't wait.

Well- I am going to go and do some cuddeling before the afternoon is over...

2006-09-30T09:43:00.000-04:00

Ok- So here I am- I sat Zoey in front of Stuart Little so I could have a little "me" time and catch up with some friends.

It seems lately that I just haven't had any time for anything- Ok- I have barely enough time to come home, cook dinner and put the girls to bed. Thank God that they both sleep through the night- I can get some kind of rest. This this Wed Libby will be 4 months old- Where has the time gone?? She is SO big-- she is REALLY long- I pulled out the 6-9 month clothes and found that weight size- they were a "little" big- but they fit her length wise fine. I just have to get her sock size right- I can't seem to find the right fit. lol. Zoey has been in 3T and 4T stuff. Its crazy- my little girls are growing so fast.

Today we are going to make an attempt to go to the Apple Festival in the next town over. Hopefully things will go well and we will have a good time.

My Dad will be in the hospital for a few days- he had surgery to make the cirrculation in his leg better. We'll go see him sometime today as well.

We have to get a new dresser for our little one. One was given to us- and it smelled a little bit- and I decided to deal with it- but the more I smell it, the more it makes me sick. I can't even describe the smell.. Its like a really, realy strong woody smell. But it almost smells like wood and purfume mixed together. yuck. We don't have the money- but we have to find a way to get a new dresser.

So- Grandma got to Massachusetts ok- she really misses the girls. We have called her a couple times- but her hearing is so bad that its hard to talk on the phone to her-- and I want to send her pictures and video of the girls, but her sights is even worse... Its been hard with missing her lately. We decided we are going to take the trip to Massachusetts for Thanksgiving. This will be a good time away.

Hard Times

2006-08-29T22:44:00.000-04:00

So tonight I feel like I have started to say my goodbyes to my Grandmother. I know I have sat here and complained about having to take care of her all the time when my Mother is unable to- But now I feel horrible for doing so. My Mom and Aunt have made the decision that my Grandmother is going to go and stay with my Aunt- in Massachusetts- a state away, 9 hours away. My Aunt and Uncle will come to town this weekend to bring her back there. My Grandmother seemed fine tonight- didn't seem like she was depressed or anything- but her normal self. Then I got her into bed, and she came out and told me my Aunt would be here this weekend to get her. She then told me that they were thinking of renting out her house- and then went on to tell me how sad she feels because it's so empty. Her and I started a doll house probably when I was still in elementary school... and she kept that as her hobby. Well- she told me that she wants my girls to have it- and to make sure that no one else takes it. She also asked me if there was anything in her house that I wanted... and I told her. I couldn't decide whether it was worse talking about this stuff now- or if she were to pass away and doing so. Then I continued to think- she is going to miss my girls growing so fast... those are her little joys in life. She won't get to see her friends from church- she doesn't see a lot of them now because she doesn't get out any more- but they would stop by once in a while. I doubt they will travel any more with her- and my Dad has a hard time traveling, so we won't see her for Thanksgiving or Christmas... and then I started to ball my eyes out- and I haven't been able to stop. I have tried to sit here and think of all the positive things that we are getting out of this- My Mom gets a break and can concentrate on herself. My Grandmother gets to see the other part of the family- and her other grandchildren. My Aunt and Uncle are both physical therapists so they can help her better than myself or my mother can. Grandma will get to see her puppy dog that she had to send away to my Aunt's because she couldn't take care of her anymore. I will be making videos and sending them to Massachusetts for Grandma. I will be sending her cards and pictures. We will call her. I have also decided that I need to go back to church. That is another thing that Grandma and I always did. She was the one to always take me to Church. Its seems that when I would go on Sunday mornings- it cleared my head and got me ready for the week ahead. I haven't gone in a long while- and I think my mind and soul are feeling it. I am going to go- I need to try and get some sleep tonight....

2006-08-26T23:25:00.000-04:00

Ok- So i found myself (and hubby) on our way home for the night at 9pm... Since when does this happen? And when did we turn into old fogies?? Neither of us is 30 yet either... I think I feel older the more I go out and realize I can't hang like I used to be able to... Is this what kids really do to the parents? Its crazy...
Ok- so lets get updated-- going back to the 18th- Libby had her 2 month check up that morning. She is now 13lbs 14oz and 24 1/2 inches long. She had her three shots- and I wanted to break into pieces when that loud scream/cry came out of her. We made it through, and all she wanted to do was cuddle. The doctor did say that her head circumfrance grew bigger/faster than he was comfortable with. He wanted to see her in two weeks (a week now)// to measure her again- She may need an ultrasound of her head-- But he also said to not worry because she shows no signs what so ever of fluid on the brain-- so we have an appt in a week- and we will see what the dr says then. Like we haven't had enough to worry about with this one...
Saturday the 19th I was in a wedding of my best friend- a girl that I have been friends with my entire life-- It was fun- but I can't say I'd want to get all dolled up again in the near future... But I really did have a good time- I had a few drinks and became pretty "loose"... Today we went to a wedding of a friend of the hubby's. It was way different-- very small- it was good to see all the people I knew- but the DJ sucked. He was playing some horrible music. I think we have a hog roast to go to next weekend-- and thats it for the summer- we can start to relax- I feel like since I have been back to work we have just been doing nothing but running and running.

So- I am pretty sure its confirmed that my Aunt is going to take my Grandmother back to0 Massachusetts with her in a couple weeks. I really have a ton of mixed emotions on this. Part of me feels relieved- its less work for our family and my mother. Its pretty hard to do this since the 2yr old has a hard time going to bed for Daddy-and I am usually there until at least 10pm- part of me feels sad because it seems that since I have been helping out since she has been home- we've grown a little closer. Grandma has told my mom how much better she likes me helping her get into bed- she says I am stronger and more gentle. She won't get to see my girls most every day like she does now- andI hate to say it- but what if she goes and doesn't come back? I had been sitting here thinking about this one day and just broke into tears-- its like life hit me with a ton of bricks that I didn't see coming. My Dad has had some problems with his foot- he has a pretty bad sore on it- he's on antibiotics- and my mom says that if he doesn't do something drastic soon- he may lose his foot. (he has diabetes really bad- kidney failure as well)-- What kind of toll would that take on the family? I feel like I am just having such a hard time with everything- I don't know how I am coping-- well yeah I do know-- I push everything to the back of my mind and forget about it- until I am lying in bed at night. At least my relationship with the hubby has been good. Thats something I haven't had to dwell on. Well- I am off to bed- both kiddies are sleeping, and hubby is out fishing- so I should have a peacefull time to dream land....

2006-08-13T22:15:00.000-04:00

Well- I feel like I have been distance from the computer for the last few days. I actually had time last night-- All to myself, I wanted to get online and get caught up with some friends and write my thoughts in here... but do you think I could bring myself to do this? LOL. No, I took the moment to go to bed early. How lame. If anyone heard me say this- they would say to me- you have kids-- give yourself a break. I don't feel right. Why? Why do I feel guilty when I need time to myself-- or time with my hubby- alone? My girls are great! I really couldn't have gotten better kids. I need to get over this.
So this weekend I am a bridesmaid for a girl that I have been friends with forever. We were hanging out before we knew how to talk! Its exciting, and I can't wait. I was excited to be asked to be in it-- but I hadn't got too excited about puttin on a dress and standing in front of many people-- especially after having this baby! The next couple weeks are going to be pretty busy!
Friday is Libby's 2 month well care visit. Her DR has been on vacation- so he's a week late. She gets shots this time-- and I hate it! I hated it with Zoey- but felt good to be able to comfort her. Its like this is the first part of real life- not everything goes your way- and life can be like the prick of the thorns on a rose bush.
Zoey has spent the last two nights with my mom. Its been nice to be a little leisurely in the morning, but I missed her something terrible!! She's such a little person- She is two and acts like she is four. I sometimes find myself having to stop and remind myself that she is only two.
Well- I may not be on to post for a little while- with the wedding this weekend, and a wedding the following weekend- we are going to be pretty busy!
I will let ya know how everything went and post some pictures... TaTa For Now!

Nice To Meet You...

2006-08-12T16:56:00.000-04:00

Ok- So I went and visited a couple new blogs, and I decided that I like this place to write much better right now. So I am moving all my thoughts and emotions here. Not a big deal, really. Well- let me introduce myself- I am a 25 year old, married to my husband V* (*what we can call him while blogging) for 3 years now. We have been in a relationship for 7 years now, and boy how the time has flown! We have 2 beautiful daughters- Zoey who is 2 and Libby who is 2 months. We just bought our first house back in January- right in the same neighborhood I grew up! Who would know that I would be back.... This just means that my parents are a 2 minute walk away- which has been VERY nice. I know that the school district is good- I know the neighborhood is still very nice and safe- and I know most all the neighbors around us. So-- I'm in my own little fairy tale... WAIT... It is far from a fairy tale....

OK- So... today has really pretty much been non-productive. But its Saturday, right? It's my day off... who cares. I actually care- I just hate feeling lazy when I know I had the time to do things.
I have completed 95% of the girls room. Its all painted, and Zoey has moved back in from being in our room- keeping it from being an intimate location. Needless to say- we had gotten pretty intimate last night! The real first time since before the baby was born. It was good to be able to enjoy the moment.... and my husband had made the comment that he was glad to have his wife back. *he still does have some emotion left in him*
Well- all that we need to do to complete the girls room is get the crib up for Libby and get the toy box that my mom had given to us in the room-- I want to paint it- I don't want to paint it right now-- so I have been debating whether or not to bring it up in the room until I decide I have the time to paint it- or leave it sitting in my dining room, where it will be a pain in my ass until I decide I have time to paint it. I think that if I bring it up in their room that it will get forgotten about- and won't get painted for years. Ugh. I hate being a procrastinator.

So today- we napped as a family. We haven't done this in months... I look behind me and see both my girls with their daddy- in dream land. I had been there- but woke up when my phone started ringing every 10 minutes. My Dad, My Mom, My Aunt... They just don't have good timing. These girls are most precious when they are sleeping... It just makes me want to sit there and stroke their hair and listen to them breathe. That is really unrealistic- as they would both wake up if I got any where close like that to them.
I never could have imagined having as much love for both of them as I do now. I was always afraid that it would be hard for me to not favor one over the other. I am still always thinking to myself... "Did I cuddle as much as I could have?" "Am I taking enough pictures of the little one- and enough of Zoey?" We lost our cam corder charging cord- so we haven't been able to charge the batteries- and its making me nuts! Its like $60 to get a new one, and that isn't really something that we can afford- but I keep telling my husband we need to afford it. *sigh* Who knows when we'll be able to get a new one.
Well... I need to wake these sleeping beauties to get them over to My Mom's to visit. My Grandmother came home from her rehabilitation hospital yesterday. (after breaking her hip a couple months ago) Its the start of some late nights. My mom has asked us to help out with Gram while she is working her part time job during the week and while my Dad is at dialysis (sp?). Helping out means getting her dinner, giving her the nebulizer, giving her meds, helping her go to the bathroom and getting her into pj's and into bed. Its a lot of work, and I have really been fighting with myself about feeling like this is a nuisance. I wish I didn't feel that way because, I know she did so much to help me- But- I have a family of my own- we get home around 6pm every night. That barely gives us any time to have dinner, spend some time together and go to bed. Now we have to incorporate everything with Grandma. This is also on top of getting my Dad to dialysis the nights my mom has to work. Oh yeah- and my mom sometimes works the weekend-- so now we have to plan our lives around my mom's work schedule-- and we don't find that work schedule out early enough sometimes.
Ok, ok-- I know I have written about this before and I am sorry about jabbering on and on about this... Its just on my mind again.
ok- I am really ending this post now...
Hope to hear from some of you all soon!